Blogger Too Tired To Come up With Snappy Little Headline

Great time last night at Messica's house. I stopped by after class (had International Human Rights until 9:30) for some delicious food and lotsa wine with the ladies. The Mess had made a delicious greek pastry pie with chicken, almonds, and apricots, and very yummy stuffed mushrooms. As if that weren't enough, she gave us each our own dessert platter with baklava and chocolate and apricots. It was all super delish and fun times were had by all.

Aha, and now I remember why I'm so sleepy right now. I was up late and awake early. It was a long day filled with Law Journal stuff (we are putting on a huge symposium on Friday), clinic, other miscellaneous homework, and class. I took a timeout to meet Greg for lunch. He just started a new job in Edina and I wanted to check out the new digs.

Ah, Edina.

I stepped into the bathroom at Greg's office building, and the woman in the bathroom epitomized my mental image of Edina. She was probably in her late thirties, but with leathery skin from tanning too much looked about 50, and wore a leapard-print skirt suit. She had big, hair-sprayed, dyed-blonde hair, and spent the entire time in front of the mirror doing her makeup. When I got out of the bathroom, Greg was over by the elevator bemusedly looking out the window. "Check this out," he says, pointing to the parking lot. "Which one of these is not like the others?" I look down on the parking lot and see row after row of SUVs and Lexuses (Lexii?). But wait! There in the middle of the parking lot is a slightly beat-up Ford F-150 pick-up truck. That's Greg's. Ah...Edina.

Juice Ignores Homework All Weekend

It was a lovely weekend.

Yesterday=Danni's wedding. Danni is one of the most positive people I know. Just being around her makes everything better. She married her sweetheart of 8 years yesterday in what was the swankiest wedding I've ever attended. The reception was at the classy Graves 601 Hotel (formerly le Meridian). It was also the best-looking group of people I've ever seen at a wedding--I think she went to one of those agencies where you can hire good-looking wedding guests and 5'10" Swedish bridesmaids? I don't know, I'm just saying, it was like watching a fashion show as everyone filed in and out of the church.

Today I had brunch with school friends Sarah and Emily, and then we went to Arc's Value Village for total shopping spree! They just put out all of their "Halloween" stuff (read: super rad polyester dresses from 1960s and 70s!) and I loaded up on some cutie-pie dresses and skirts, and an excellent gray wool skirt-suit circa 1970s--oh la la.

I spent the late afternoon sewing. LA was looking for a glider-rocker for Esther's nursery, and as luck would have it, I had picked one up on the side of the road a few months ago. I sewed some new cushions for it and a few accent pillows, then strategically timed a delivery to catch them right at dinner time, bwahaaahhaaaa. I didn't put up much of a fight when LA insisted I stay for super tasty asparagus quiche, a red bean dish, beer, and fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies! It was a nice dinner with the two of them. I suspect the next time I see them will be in the hospital, after Esther's birth?

One of the worst things about being back in school is that sometimes more than a week goes by without checking Go Fug Yourself, and I miss something like this! I'm really just so speechless about the matter I can do little more than post the link. OMG.

Backyard Spared Despite Crazy Destructive Storm

This happened a half block away from my house during that killer storm Wednesday night:



Amazingly, my patio and backyard are fine, though littered with debris. In fact, my potted plants even stayed put! Nice.

During the storm, I was stuck at school. -S and I went to the atrium and observed the whole deal through a huge wall of windows. Clouds circling above, light-poles bending sideways, rain blowing diagonally. It was pretty neat until we decided maybe standing under all those windows wasn't the best idea (mental image of night custodians coming on duty to find UJ and -s. sprawled in the middle of the atrium with huge slivers of glass pierced through their hearts) so we returned to our respective study areas and stuck it out.

Student Nearly Dies of Heart Attack When Professor Devotes Entire Class to Law Student Blogs

OMG! I almost had a heart attack in PR today. Our professor was talking about whether law clerks and summer associates should blog about their experiences. (Answer: Probably not.) She had the internet open, was clicking through all these blogs written by law students, summer associates, and clerks, and was projecting on huge screens at the front of the room. I nearly died of anxiety, I just knew she was going to run across Ugly Juice. Luckily, I was not exposed. I got out of there as quickly as possible.

Great news on the job interviews! I made it through all ten of them this week. I'm exhausted. So far I've received two call-backs. I won't say where, but one is a really great firm that is one of my top choices and I am SO PSYCHED. The other is the firm I wrote about yesterday. I'm wary of passing judgment based on that interview, so I'm going to do the callback and see what I think.

Juice Disgusted by Good Old Boys

So, interviews today went well. There was one place that was terrible, though. Ugh. Total good-ol'-boys club. Two middle-aged guys, blah blah blah. One of the guys said, "Yeah, it's pretty common in our firm for us to go out, talk about baseball, talk about football, then say, 'Hey, what do you four guys think about X?'" Um...OK. Pretty macho, whatever. Then they said, basically, "So, will you be able to set aside your social justice ideals to make our big business clients happy?" What? WHAT? I told them the two weren't mutually exclusive, that they were taking a pretty Aristotelian approach to the law if they think that there is no social good to be achieved in counseling large businesses, that social good can be achieved in all areas of law, and that a large firm actually is in a unique position to lead to greater public good because of their resources to do pro bono work and affect public policy. Well, I said more than that, and think I may have shamed them a bit, because as soon as I had finished they backpedaled some and said "Oh, yeah, that's totally what we do, our lawyers are very involved in pro bono work, and we take a very proactive approach to counseling our clients...." Blah blah blah. Whatever. Jerks. Would have been a good time to ask if they would let me bring my nine to the job.

Feds Descend on Ugly Juice

Who are those guys with the dark glasses and headpieces that have been following me around and sitting in the back of my class?

Juice Considers Interview Challenge

Matt and Geoff have dared me to ask one of the interviewers if I can bring a gun to the office. If they look confused, I'm supposed to say, "You know, my glock! Can I pack heat?" There's $20 riding on the dare. I did not accept the challenge today, but maybe I'll get loopy by Thursday. I did say "bad-ass" in one of the interviews today. Just slipped out. Whoops. Well, it is a legitimate adjective, I think.

At the risk of jinxing myself, I am pleased to report that all interviews went very well today. I won't hear back from them for 1-3 weeks, so...waiting time. Three interviews tomorrow, and two on Thursday.

Juice's Daily News Round-up

I have 5 interviews tomorrow, all before 2 p.m. Smile, smile, smile! I'm excited for the interviews. I actually think this whole OCI thing is kinda fun, even if it is a lot of work. Since I KNOW you're wondering, I plan to dress very respectably--black skirt suit with a hot pink dress shirt underneath.

I have made it nearly 2 weeks without biting my nails. They now make a very respectable sound when I rap them on the table.

Email from Greg (old boss) today--Withholding of Removal was granted on a very difficult case I had put together. This is the best we could have hoped for given the client's failure to file within the 1-year deadline. I'm guessing I submitted somewhere between 500 and 700 pages of evidence in the man's case. Yay!

Law Journal is bo-ring and takes up a lot of precious time.

Still no baby from LA.

Sorry this entry was so boring. It's so more fun to read about car problems and falling up the stairs.

Craft Conspirators Get Crazy With Duct Tape

Silly me. I forgot to post a photo of my new duct tape purse, made at the Craft Conspiracy meeting two weeks ago. It's perfect for my job interview wardrobe.

Woman Attempts to do Homework Even Though Possibly Still Little Bit Drunk

Great big party at our house last night to celebrate the release of BTA's new book as well as Shad & Kevin's birthdays. It was a blast. Julie brought lots of delicious food, and I made tons of food, and Betsy and Kate and Summra and Cheryl brought more food, and we polished off a keg and a million bottles of wine. Some mojitos, too, with chocolate mint from Julie's garden.

It is a beautiful day today. I had planned to go to school to work on law journal authority checks, but I decided to set up shop on the patio instead. It's great out here, and would be even better if I could get the neighbor kids to drink some arsenic-laced koolaid. Not enough to kill--just enough to quiet them down a little. Pretty crunchy, huh?

I wonder if LA is going to have her baby today? Great big harvest moon, and she's ready to go any minute. She's been so uncomfortable and fat and bad-feely that Steve keeps her locked in her room. Poor lady. We're all just so excited to see that baby and have our LA back.

Leftover falafel and hummous in the fridge from Summra. Yum. I'm going to go eat it. And make a mojito. I hate to think of all that tasty mint going to waste, and it will make the authority check much more bearable.

Woman Defies All Odds, Bores All With Reenactment of Same Old Stunt

Hey, remember when I left my lights on on Saturday night, then locked my keys in the car when I walked away to call for help? Wasn't that a good stunt?

You are not flippin' going to believe this.

When I got to my car tonight, I found that I had left the lights on (again) and the battery was dead (again). Damn. I got out of the car to call Matt, who was parked on a different level of the ramp. Matt drove down to my level to help. We went back to my car, and...discovered that I had locked the keys in it! Again! My God! Is it even possible for someone to be so simultaneously competent and incompetent???? This time, I had not left any doors open and was simply SOL. Matt located a hanger and began fishing around in the door. Geoff drove by with a wave and a big grin. Finally, I had to call Shad, who delivered the extra key and jumper cables. Matt jumped the car and I was good to go. Seriously, is it possible? Twice in the same week I pull the exact same shenanigans? Can anyone be so dumb? Matt assured me that when we open our perfect law firm, I will be attended to by a chauffeur, which will save the firm a great deal of money in the long run.

In my own defense--it was a really long day. I was up until 3 a.m. writing that stupid paper. Then I set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. at which time I returned to school and attempted to revise it. At 8:45, met Matt and Elissa to see 8th Circuit oral arguments in our moot court room. Then had lunch with 8th circuit judges, which was super, super, super-dooper awesome. I sat at a small table with Judge Gruender and he was very nice--we had great conversation. I also had the chance to talk to Judges Diana Murphy and Myron Bright. Straight from lunch I went to clinic, then to PR, then to Great Books seminar follow-up class, then a cameo at Amnesty event, then to vomit-inducing 3-hour law journal authority check session. When Matt & Geoff stuck their heads into the Journal office after their night class, I knew I couldn't take it much longer. I wrapped things up and met them at the bar for a beer with some other classmates. Meanwhile, I heard back about OCI interviews and am happy to report that I have 9 interviews scheduled for next week. Woo hoo! Let the fun begin. Am hoping to get 8 hours of sleep tonight. Must rest up to meet with hearing officer tomorrow a.m. re: speeding ticket. Then seminar thingy at school and book release party at Big Brain in late afternoon. Ta ta!

Student Whines and Seeks Sympathy Even Though She Had Four Weeks to Write Paper and Left it Til Last Minute Anyway Like Big Stupid Idiot

Ugh.

Holed up in the library again.

Have to write 12-page paper for Great Books Seminar, due tomorrow. I did get 1.5 pages written earlier this week (woo hoo!)--now am at page 1.75. Pity, anyone? My goal is three pages per hour for next four hours, home by midnight. It's going to be a masterpiece, a brilliant analysis of how the ideas of Machiavelli and Rousseau suggest that happier living can be attained through 60-minute commutes and beige townhomes. Go!

Juice Dodges Bullet Again!

Have I mentioned how terrifying our PR professor is? She is brutal and ruthless. She rips students apart and we have to step over their guts on the way out of class. I sit through class, shaking, with my stomach in knots and bile in my mouth. Matt got called on last class, and today, Geoff got called on big time. Both of them performed admirably, Geoff remarkably so, considering he hadn't even read! Matt and I attempted to feed him answers over instant messenger, since we had at least read the material, but I don't know how helpful it was. Anyway, he survived, and he did well. But I sit between those guys, and missed the bullet both times. *gulp* Will I get called on, or does she have her eyes set on a juicier target?

Speaking of juicier targets, I got a hilarious voicemail message from -s. today. In light of my pathological fear of having serious grammatical errors on my resume, she thought she'd let me know that she had just re-read her own resume, at which time she discovered a teensy little error she made in listing a documentary she had worked on--Casual Partners: Men who have Sex with Men.

Instead, she had written:
Casual Partners: Men Who Have Sex With Me.

Update:

I spoke to -s. this morning. It was even worse than I thought. The report was a part of some work she was doing on AIDS/HIV policy, and I got the title messed up. The real title was: HIV-Positive Men Who Have Sex With Me.

Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no.

Juice Conflicted About Attending Recruiting Reception

I was invited to attend a recruiting reception here tomorrow. I thought Matt & Geoff were going, too, but they have class and don't want to skip. I called Mike, but he's not going either. It's not like I rely on my homies to do stuff with me, but seriously, now I'll have to drive all the way to St. Paul by myself. I'm getting all wishy-washy about it. But, it is a litigation firm, which is what I'm going for...and they might end up being cool. Plus, they'll probably have free booze. Mmmm, yes. Free booze. OK. OK. I'll just go.

Mother-in-Law Helps Minneapolis Couple Prepare for Apocalypse

What's big and fat and always in style?

Here's a hint: It's REALLY BIG, and REALLY FAT.

Give up? It's the super kick-ass freezer my mother-in-law bought for me!!!!! Check it out!!!!!!



No reaching down into one of those deep freeze chests for me, no way, she wouldn't hear of it. We're all class here. I can open the door and leisurely survey all my choices from a comfortable standing position, pondering the contents of the mysterious recycled sour cream/yogurt/etc. containers stacked inside. Only commoners have to reach into those skanky freezer chests. I am slowly filling it up with chili to sustain me through the school year.

Sadly, I hear that my dear mother-in-law has incurred some wrath from a certain husband who has found her charge card bill... Does he realize the joy her benevolence has brought to this household? Or the peace of mind that comes from having 100 frozen containers of chili in the freezer? I just hope there is still electricity when the apocalypse comes. You'll know where to find me.

Juice Joins Blue Suit Club

Pursuant to the ludicrous decree from our career services office, several of my classmates went to Casual Corner and purchased the exact same navy blue suit for OCI. -s. may be able to help clarify the numbers here, but I think there were 5 or 6 classmates who showed up to the swearing-in last week wearing identical blue suits. So imagine my immense amusement and joy when I stopped in at Arc's Value Village today (it's practically next door to the Caribou where I was studying) and found THE EXACT SAME SUIT in my size on sale for $6.50! Obviously, on principle, I will refuse to wear the suit to any interviews I may get, and frankly, while the jacket is very nice, I couldn't possibly wear the pants in their present condition. They look totally ridiculous on me with their miscellaneous pleats and crease down the front of the legs and, worst of all, tapered legs. Eeesh. I look like a total idiot in them, and I am left with no choice but to cut them up and turn them into a skirt as soon as possible. Did I mention that it cost $6.50???

Also, just in case you didn't know, it's really hard to type when you have a cat sitting on your hands.

Blogger Takes Mother-in-Law's Quiz Challenge

You're Athena!
Athena was the Virgin Goddess of Wisdom and so much more. She was totally rockin'! Her only downside was that she was sorta misogynist. But hey, we all have our faults. She was a very popular goddess and was always there to help out the people she liked. Basically, you're the kind of person that's good to have around.

Take the "Which Greek Goddess Are You?" quiz here.

Leaving Lights On is Just Typical Part of Day For Incapacitated Woman

Last night I finished work at around 1 a.m., and was returning to my car, which was parked on a dark side street. I noticed that a car had its lights on about half a block down, and I knew instantly that would be my car. Of course, it was. Of course, my battery was dead. Of course, I had left my cell phone at home, so couldn't call Shad for help. Ugggggg.

There were some people drinking beers about half a block away, so I approached them for help. They were kind enough to offer to give me a jump. Excellent. So they went to get their car, and I walked back to my car to wait. When I reached into my purse to get my keys, they weren't there. I frantically searched all of my pockets, but to no avail, because (of course!) in congruence with Murphy's Law, I had locked them in the car. I checked the car door. Locked. Checked the back door. Locked. Bloody hell. Through sheer luck, I checked the other car doors and had left the rear passenger door unlocked. I clambered in and retrieved my keys.

The beer-drinking angels from heaven arrived to jump the car and it was at that point that I realized they were totally intoxicated. Like, they couldn't even open the hood of their car. They certainly shouldn't have been driving...I tried to calm my mind of guilty ethical dilemma as I asked them to step back and took care of the whole cable connecting situation. Voila, car started, situation solved.

This whole leaving-the-lights-on situation has become something of a regular thing for me. I can honestly say I have NEVER had the problem until about six months ago. Suddenly, during the last half of spring semester, I could never remember to shut the damn things off anymore. About twice a week, I would receive a call from Summra or Matt informing me that I had left my lights on again. Amazingly, my car usually started up, although Summra had to give me a jump on two or three occasions. I only encountered the problem one other time his summer, and had to call AAA at three in the morning. Nice!

Student Surrenders Self to Legally Blonde Moment

I forgot to mention that after running around Thursday to get transcript and other junk for OCI, I decided to surrender to the urge to get my nails done. It's been years since I had a real manicure, and I thought I deserved it because despite the stress in the last week, I didn't bite my nails! In fact, it was kind of rude for the nail technician lady to comment that my nails were "so short" when I really thought they were looking good. Like, if I scratched you, it might not hurt, but you would feel it. Anyway, it was twelve dollars well spent, and a relaxing half hour, complete with hand massage and paraffin wax.

Juice Prepares to Sell Soul to Highest Bidder

Hi, friends. Let's see...everything is good. Yesterday, feeling drained of every resource I ever had, I went to school to complete and turn in my resume packages, 12 of them. I stuck around until 2 p.m. for a meeting with the professor I work for and had a long conversation in which my main contribution was "uh huh....yup....uh huh..." After this, I headed straight home and went to bed at 4 p.m. until 7 this morning. Then I got up, checked blogs for a half hour, and went back to bed until 11. I'm feeling ok now.

I'm soooooo glad those resume packages are done. That sort of thing is just not my style, man. I much prefer to sit around in coffee shops and wait for the jobs to come to me. Alas, things are getting a bit more sophisticated. Many props to Sarah for super resume help, to my sweetie-pie husband for creating a neat-o identity package for me to lay out my resume and letterhead and for staying up super late because I was being all persnickity about it, and to Greg for getting up at 5:30 Friday morning to edit my cover letter after I experienced severe brain drought. I didn't intend to leave it all to the last minute, I swear...have just been so busy, busy. So anyway, it's over. I put all the packages in their respective slots by the 2 p.m. deadline and walked away with a sinking feeling that there was some glaring grammar mistake on one of the pieces. (That's totally normal).

So, homework for the rest of the weekend, and a busy but fun week next week. Highlights: 8th Circuit Court of Appeals argument at my school, lunch with panel of 8th circuit judges, recruiting conference at hoity-toity law firm, and talking to officer about speeding ticket, which I have successfully pushed off for two months. So as you can see, I have several outfits to think about.

Oh, and I don't really think I'm selling my soul. In fact, as Greg pointed out, it would just be a lease with an option to buy. So please tell Matt and Geoff to stop picking on me.

Blogger Declared Incapacitated!

Oh, great. This is just what I need right now. Seriously, people.

"Often confused"?

"Not able to...make or communicate decisions concerning herself and her well being, or care for herself on a daily basis"?

Hopefully none of these law firms google me. I would hate to have them discover my dementia and actual age.

Juice Collects Great Swag at OCI Employer Reception

The pressure is on to get my resume crap ready for OCI (On-Campus Interviews). It's hard to explain the intensity of the OCI process to those who aren't in law, but it's basically where second-year students try to get hired at the big firms, and only a small handful of people do, and it gets all competitive and weird. Plus there is a lot of work to do to get ready for it, so people get tired and crabby and that doesn't help the competitiveness/weirdness much at all. So, anyway, tonight there was a reception where we met representatives from a lot of the firms, and tomorrow we have to turn in resume packages, writing samples, etc. I have to write 10 cover letters tonight. (Yes, I don't know why, but I decided to apply to a bunch of places. Good interviewing practice, if nothing else). So I've got a lot of work to do and should stop blogging immediately.

I just wanted to report on the swag that was available at the reception tonight. Top prize goes to Dorsey for the padded ipod mini holders w/belt clip. Very classy and functional. Second prize goes to Robins for the eraseable highlighter. I think it's funny that they hand out all this stuff. It's not like they have to beg us to apply at their firms or anything. Those who are doing OCI are pretty much all salivating at the thought of employment in one of their swank downtown towers, and those who aren't interested in that aren't going to be convinced by a nifty highlighter. Well, whatever. See ya later.

Juice Makes Peace With Former Boss

Quitting my job was a great decision, but I've been harboring a certain sadness about losing the relationship with Greg, my former boss. We had a lot of fun over the 2-1/2 years that I was there. I hated knowing that there was this crunchy situation out there, and I hadn't talked to him--or others in the firm--at all since the, um, divorce. And then of course there are pragmatic things, like...I need a good reference for upcoming job interviews, and I want to use a brief I had written for him as a writing sample.

Well, I decided to just suck it up. I marched into the office about two weeks ago with a bag of cookies. Although Greg wasn't there at the time, it was great to see everyone else, and I spent some time chatting with everyone. I sent Greg a little email to say I was sorry I missed him, and we swapped a few emails over the past week. Then, he invited me to attend an asylum hearing today for one of the clients I had worked on. Awesome!

So, I went down to the immigration court this afternoon. It was a great case, practically a slam-dunk, despite a few issues. He won the case without even having to do a direct examination. The hearing took only one hour, which left time for us to chat afterward. He asked about my work situation. I told him that waiting tables is the best work for my schedule right now, and that I was preparing to whore myself out to big firms in a few weeks. He asked if I wanted to come back. I thanked him, but said no. I need to do something else. I do love that firm, and if I ended up there, I would be happy, but I want to try out some new things. I need to interview this fall and just see what happens. He understood all of that. He told me I had an open invitation to come back anytime. In the spring, next summer, after practicing for a few years, whatever. Wow. I hadn't expected that at all.

We made tentative plans for lunch later this month, and he has invited me to attend the asylum hearing of one of my favorite clients in a few weeks. And, he might call on me to write briefs every now and then for him on a contract basis. So, let there be peace. We even hugged. Good-bye crunchy crunch!

Kitties Resemble Bush Administration in Inability to Respond to Crisis

We had a mouse in our house.

The response from the kitties was less than impressive. The Wiz just kind of stood back and watched it run around. She chased it around for awhile, but wouldn't catch it. She'd just corner it and then look at it. One time she lost it and it was just sitting right under her belly. What a moron!

Car was nowhere to be found in the heat of the crisis. Finally, Shad went to get her and dropped her off at the scene. Both kitties just stood in the middle of the living room like a couple of dummies while the mouse disguised itself as a ball of dust. Then they lost interest and wandered away, and Shad had to go get them and bring them back to the living room. Then they'd get off task again and wander away, and Shad would bring them back. Repeat, repeat, repeat. The Wiz kept following up bogus leads, e.g. the chair leg, while I could see the mouse on the other side of the room. Car was just pathetic, all moody and crabby. The Wiz is just a pinhead. Finally, Shad caught the mouse himself, put it in a little container and let it go down the street.

Juice Resists Getting Sucked into Rant

OK, OK. I swear this is the last thing I am going to post in place of some other equally entertaining entry about what I had for lunch or my fashion choice du jour. See, I've been swallowing a rant about how appalling our President's lack of leadership was after Hurricane Katrina, but can't find the time to write it. Instead, Chuck (remember "Chuck for President"?) sent this to me, and it will work just as well.

Vacation is Over... an open letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that adrag.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but itwas pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans.

That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you?

I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING-- to do with this!

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.

Yours,

Michael Moore

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

Hey there, this is Juice again. At the risk of getting sucked into another rant about what a different world our national leaders appear to be living in, here's a link to the news story in which Barbara Bush suggested that things were "working out very well" for the poor in New Orleans, who, well, didn't have much anyway.

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

(This is the State of Michigan's Letter!)

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Juice Seeks Fashion Advice

Is the "no white after Labor Day" thing really for real? If so, that's super lame. I just lovingly hand-washed my favorite white pants and I want to wear them tomorrow. What do you all think? Serious faux pas, or justifiable defiance against Marie Claire/Vanity Fair/W/In Style/etc. tyranny?

New Artist Found

Anyone ever heard of Sarah Severson? I downloaded "Breathe" for free from Amazon.com. I love it. Especially when I'm feeling melancholy about having to spend every waking hour doing homework, like today. And yesterday. And the day before that...

At 3-0, The Wiz Takes Commanding Lead in Ongoing Soccer Match

The Wiz has a secret. She wants to join the Olympics.

A few weeks ago, in the middle of the night, I kept hearing kind of a weird sound, like something heavy rolling around in the living room. I couldn't figure out what it was, so finally I got up and walked out to the hall, and there was The Wiz, looking up at me, her front paw poised over a round red potato. Huh. I put the potato back in its bowl on top of the counter and went back to bed. A few hours later, the sound came again. I got up and found her batting the potato around the dining room.

Though I am sensitive to The Wiz's desire to continue her training as a world-class soccer player despite her domestic captivity, I had to stop leaving round fruits and vegetables out on the counter, because that is an annoying sound to wake up to in the middle of the night.

I thought she got over it, until I stepped out of my bedroom two days ago to see her loitering around a round rotten apple. Now this is nothing short of mysterious. I have no idea--NO IDEA!--where the apple came from. It was one of those little red ones like you find for sale in little paper bags in the grocery stores sometimes. Almost perfectly round, but with lots of bruises and rotten spots. I haven't purchased any apples like that in months. I hadn't seen any apples lying around in the kitchen or anywhere else in the house. I have no idea where she got it. Well, I can't leave rotten apples lying around the house, so I picked it up and threw it away.

The next night, I saw her with a new apple, identical to the first. I thought it was the same one, but I could still see the first one in the garbage. WHERE IS SHE GETTING THESE THINGS??? Is she stealing my fruits and vegetables and stashing them somewhere?

The drugs, the eating disorder, it's all coming together. The Wiz aspires to be an olympic athlete! Poor baby, I had no idea. And here I thought she was just running away because she was trying to get knocked up.

Ugly Juice Sworn in as Certified Student Attorney

Yesterday was a fun and proud day. The Honorable Judge Wilhelmina Wright of the MN Court of Appeals came to my school and swore in all of the students involved in our school's legal clinic.



Summra and I are in the Family Law practice group, shown above. We will represent primarily victims of domestic violence in Order for Protection (OFP) hearings.



Matt is in the Elder Law practice group. Geoff is in trouble with us for not even applying to the clinic, so unfortunately, his name is going to be last on our firm's nameplate. Since he skipped school yesterday, and we couldn't even drag him out for a picture with us, I am going to recommend that his name also be written in lowercase letters and crayon.



I love this picture of Summra.



Sorry I don't have any action shots, like the oath-taking. I was standing in front of a tall guy, so Shad couldn't get what would have been a lovely photo of the back of my head and my hand in the air. Anyhoo, this is my professor and Judge Wright.