An Open Letter to the Fairies

Dear Fairies:

Well, well, well. Life has been pretty nice these past couple of weeks, has it not? You’ve been content to lounge around, drinking mint juleps and playing sudoku whilst I clean out the refrigerator and throw the clothes in the wash. Surely you believe your slothfulness and neglect is justified by the fact that I am unemployed and not currently taking classes, and therefore I apparently have nothing better to do than scrub the toilet. Take a look around, my dears. Take a good hard look. Those piles of books are not getting any smaller, and I certainly cannot read them when doing your chores. First and most glaringly, please attend to that mound of dishes left over from last night’s dinner party, a mess compounded by my abortive six a.m. rhubarb-muffin-making enterprise. Second, regarding that “kitty-meets-a-roll-of-toilet-paper” affair: I fail to believe that I am the only person in this household who is sick of wading through mounds of shredded toilet paper whenever I go downstairs to turn on the stereo. While I am of the view that since it was Shad’s bright idea to bring an animal into the house, he should clean up the rubbish created thereby, it would make things easier if you could just take care of it. Third, don’t think you are fooling me with your little trick of trying to make the living room look clean by pushing all of the junk behind the closed door of the guest bedroom. In addition, please clean out the Kia, straighten things up in the Sky Lounge, and hang up those clothes that have accumulated over the past several of months in that laundry basket in my bedroom. And wash the windows. And clean out the gutters. By the way, I noticed that you drank the last of the milk and put the empty milk bottle back in the fridge. Come on.

Awwww…. Put down your bindle. I’m not firing you (I can’t afford to); this is just a little kick in your fairy asses. I know we are needy here, but I don’t think that households in South or Nordeast are really that much different, so you might as well stick around. Besides, there is much left to accomplish: I still need to teach you how to study for the bar exam and transfer the information into my brain while I am sleeping.

Sincerely,

Ugly Juice

Juice Spends Several Blissful Days With the Fam

Last night I returned from a relaxing and life-giving trip to visit my family, filled with fun and serendipity. The highlights:

• Harboring and transporting a fugitive.
• Babysitting The Adorable Niece (Exhibit A) and my cousin's 2-month-old babe, Lucy.
• Seeing my lovely family.
• Reading lots.
• Receiving spontaneous invite to spend night at Mike's cabin on Lake Belle Taine, 45 minutes north of Perham. Traveling to cabin to find Mike & Summ in scene of perfect idyll: drinking beers, reading books, lounging in whirlpool, piddling around the yard. Kayaking. Falling asleep at end of dock during thunderstorm. (Exhibit B)
• Convincing Mike & Summ to come to Perham with me next day. (Exhibit C)
• Getting facials at spa with Summ and Kate.
• Attending Kate's surprise party on Saturday. (Exhibits D1 and D2)
• Drinking way too much all day and night Saturday. (Exhibit E)
• Meeting Sarah's boyfriend Dan, who was visiting from Arizona, and interrogating him thoroughly. (Exhibit F)
• Karaoke! (Exhibit G)
• (Possibly too earnestly) (Exhibit H)
• Inventing a story that Summ is an Innuit and taking every opportunity to inform the people of Perham about the plight of the Innuit and the Upper Yukon Territory, which is what, we don't know. Karaoke proved an especially rich opportunity for our little Eskimo to give a shout out. (Exhibit I)
• Sleepover at my parents' house w/Mikey and Summ.

Returning to Minneapolis, I have fallen back into a lazy routine of spending entire days doing pretty much nothing. I go for a walk. I run an errand or two. I sit on the patio and read. Every hour or two, I conduct a reconnaissance of the yard to inspect the condition of my plants and observe the activity in my new compost bin (which I am obsessed with, OMG. Forgive me, I am not going to be able to prevent myself from making all future visitors look at the consistency of my compost).

I have become addicted to working in my yard, which is and always has been a mess, completely overgrown and absolutely unmanageble, filled with wacky stuff from the previous owner--petrified wood, broken concrete, inexplicably prolific unidentifiable plant (weed) species. I am a pathetic gardener, which is probably why it's so fun. I am moving stuff around every day but am too lazy to weed or really do anything to control the chaos. Instead, the chaos of greenage makes me want to grow more. When my in-laws came to visit for my graduation, they brought tons of perrenials from their yard and spent an afternoon helping me plop them in the ground, which was so awesome. My dream of filling the entire yard with perrenials is now much closer to fruition. If I continue splitting, I think I'll be in good shape in about three years. My dad dug up some lilac seedlings for me yesterday and sent them home with me with instructions to "water like hell." Hopefully that is all it takes, I worry that my yard is too shady to support them. Anyway, this is probably boring. That is all for now.

Exhibit A: The Adorable One.



Exhibit B: Gimlets approximately three times the recommended dose.



Exhibit C: Summ and Mikey on the first leg of the Tour of Perham Drinking Establishments.

Exhibit D1: A few members of my lovely family celebrating Kate's 30th birthday.



Exhibit D2: My sister Mary may or may not have defaced this property.



Exhibit E: "Quarters"

Exhibit F: Deposing Under the Influence



Exhibit G: Total Eclipse of the Heart



Exhibit H: Like a Prayer



Exhibit I: Ain't No Mountain High Enough (w/Brother John)

Law Grad Turns Into House Cat

Wow. I cannot stop sleeping. Yesterday I had to set my alarm to wake up for a noon lunch date. Then I ran a few errands (and bought a new bike! Woo hoo!) and returned home to take another nap before heading over to Summ's for dinner and martinis. Today I slept until 1:30. I could get used to this.

Sarah had my camera during my graduation ceremony and the pictures it contained were very interesting. Perhaps my cat-like behavior is hereditary?









I can't say I blame them. The ceremony was over two hours long and they had to arrive early to snag those seats overlooking the atrium. And apparently not everyone was sleepy.







I have just a few pictures of Yours Truly right now. I'll post a few more later when I'm feeling less lazy.







I am heading up north tomorrow to visit my family, babysit The Adorable Niece, and read books by the lake. Hooray!

Sinister Garden Remains Barren

I went to two different greenhouses today searching for the perfect foliage for this year's Sinister Garden. Nothing inspiring. Nothing even vaguely creepy. And for some sad reason, Malmborg's is not selling the ever-so-sinister Imperial Taro this year. Nor are they selling that big creepy thing I got last year with the giant maroon leaves and the blood red flower in the middle. Should I fill the space with non-sinister plants or just bide my time and wait for the perfect evil plant to reveal itself?

Meanwhile, I am applying my law school training to my new vegetable garden by employing a legal strategy known as "throw everything against the wall and see what sticks." While probably not advisable in either law or gardening, I really don't know what will thrive in my new little garden, so it seems like the thing to do. I picked up: tomatoes (2 varieties), cucumber, green beans, red bell pepper, basil, cilantro, rosemary, sweet corn, cabbage, butternut squash, strawberries, and a raspberry bush. Wish me luck!

Adorable Niece Learns New Trick

Natalie has learned to roll over! No action shots, unfortunately, but here she is, looking drooly and victorious, having just completed the feat.

I GRADUATE on Saturday! It is going to be such a great weekend. My in-laws are visiting, and bringing a bunch of hostas and day-lillies, and are even going to help me plop them in the ground. I am so excited, and have been lurping around the yard all week figuring out where I will put them. I have also hired a handful of neighbor kids to stop by after school tomorrow to help me weed. Mom, dad, my grandparents, Kate, and The Adorable One are coming down, Sarah is flying in from Arizona, and Greta is cruising over all the way from Como Ave. The ceremony is on Saturday. I ironed my gown and tried on my funny hat and am basically all set.

Oh! And in case you didn't get an e-mail invite, we are having a little soiree at our place Saturday night, stop by if you are looking for some entertainment...

Juice Admits Was Being Big Fat Jerk About Kibitzing Neighbor

As this thunderstorm rages outside, I can't help but think that we picked the worst weekend ever to put up a retaining wall. Saturday: Rain. Sunday: Windstorm. Amazingly, in between the spasms of inclement weather, we have managed to get the thing about two-thirds finished (no thanks, quite honestly, to, um, me). I was being whiny and pathetic tonight when we were working so Shad sent me to Home Depot, which is never good news. I found the things I needed right away, but then got sucked into the home and garden section where I had several arguments with myself about whether I should buy some of the pretty flowers even though they are from Home Depot and will probably die. They have beautiful orchids on sale for ten bucks. I would love to have one, but I'm not sure I trust myself to keep it alive. I walked out of there with the caulking gun I had been sent for. The problem with Home Depot (and Target and the other Big Stores) is that whenever I leave, no matter what time of day, I just want to go to bed. I can't handle the big stores; they suck the vital life force from me. It was in this state that I arrived home to find three bodies working on the retaining wall. It was the aforementioned annoying neighbor and his son, who, since I am a hypocrite, are no longer annoying but instead are super awesome.

Fortuitous Quasi-Tornado Distracts Annoying Neighbor

Que bueno suerte! It is SUPER windy outside today, and the wind blew a huge, HUGE branch off our oak tree. Some of you know how huge the trees are in our yard, so you can imagine that this branch weighs something like 500 pounds. I heard a loud crack and looked out the window just in time to see it crash to the ground. It is the length of our entire yard (though the top of it is presently taking up half of our neighbor's yard). I ran out there to investigate, apparently oblivious to the danger of getting impaled by another falling branch. The aforementioned neighbor guy was out, eyeing the thing hungrily. It was impressive, and had managed to bend the railing on our back steps. The neighbor offered to clean it up if he could have the wood. I happily gave it to him. I'm sure we could find a friend with a chainsaw, but that is a project I'm not very excited about tackling it right now. It is huge and needs to be cleaned up immediately. And though we are planning to have a bonfire at my party next Saturday I think it will be more poetic to burn my law school notes than this enormous branch. More importantly, I am delighted that the tree-harvesting project will occupy his time today, so that if the wind lets up enough for us to get out and work on the yard he will have a project of his own and can leave us alone.

Sporto Sisters Join Softball League

For reasons I cannot explain, I have joined my firm's softball team. I do not even recall the last time I actually played softball (8th grade?) but I do remember that I quit, in part because I am basically afraid of the ball. So I probably do not need to tell you that I am a pathetic softball player. Last week I had to play catcher, which is terrifying, obviously, because I am convinced that the bat is going to grow 20 inches while the batter is swinging and it will take off my head. And I also know I am destined to take a softball in the teeth. In addition, it turns out that I am not only a terrible softball player, but I am also a terrible person. I know this because on Thursday when I failed to properly field a ground ball, I shouted "F***!", which should not have mattered because I was all by myself out there in left field, or so I thought, until I turned to run after the ball and saw a mother with her two kids cutting across the outfield. I have sullied the souls of these two innocent children by spitting out the F-bomb in their presence. Shit.

Strangely, several people from my firm are on another softball team within the league, and somehow my sister Greta ended up on that team. Given the number of teams (hundreds?) this is the strangest coincidence. Stranger still is that we should join the league at all, since Greta and I are the most unathletic members of our family (actually, Greta holds our high school's record for shot-put, but I don't think she was in any other varsity sports, and I quit all sports in 10th grade, having determined I prefer speech and drama to sitting on the bench every single game because I am such a pitiful athlete).

The judge I am externing for offered me his season tickets for last night's Twins game against the Red Sox. I invited Greta to join me since we are total Sportos now. We had so much fun. We got the biggest hot dogs and smothered them with so many condiments we had to eat with knife and fork. After the game we hopped on the light rail to catch up with Mikey & crew--they were doing a light rail bar crawl to celebrate Mikey's birthday.

Domestic Bliss Disrupted by Nosy Neighbor

Shad and I are working on some yard projects this weekend. Today (after the downpour) we were digging a trench while listening to our respective audiobooks. Shad is listening to David Rakoff (Fraud); I have moved on to David Sedaris (Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim). I love having Shad listen to my pre-screened audio books; I can glance fondly at him when he doubles over with the giggles, and he will shout out whatever phrase has caused the outburst--"You WILL eat chicken again!"--and then I will remember when I snickered at the same story and I love that; it is a partial--if time-delayed--fulfillment of my desire to share with him every thing I think and read and hear during the day. We were happy and this lightened our labor.

But then, the neighbor came. He is a nice man. Really. Very nice. But every time we work on a yard project, he shows up and just stands there, observing and offering the occasional "Helpful Tip." I trust, gentle reader, that I do not need to elucidate for you the reasons why this is SO INCREDIBLY ANNOYING THAT I HAVE TO RESTRAIN MYSELF FROM GOING AT HIM WITH THE SHOVEL. By this time I am already incredibly grumpy about the fact that his presence has forced me to pause my audio book. And who wants to have someone standing around watching you dig? But the Helpful Tips, oh my God. Because the thing is, if we appear to be receptive of the Helpful Tips, then he will start to help us, and the last thing we want is for him to take over a part of our project, for obvious reasons. But sometimes the Helpful Tip is something we are going to do anyway because we are not total idiots (like, measure, for example). So then we have to be careful about how we proceed so that he is not encouraged by our apparent acceptance of his Helpful Tip, which will only inspire him to offer more. Shad and I do not even need to exchange a glance of mutual irritation. I can feel his blood pressure from fifteen feet away. We are going to be out there all day tomorrow, and I want to listen to Barack Obama's "Dreams from my Father," which I picked up from the library this morning. He is going to be out there all day, I just know it. If I have to pause my audiobook, I may very well flip out and do something that will disqualify me from acceptance to the Bar.

Furthermore, the situation is just so boring. I mean, the annoying neighbor offering helpful tips is such a stereotype. A stock character from any sitcom. I wish he could add something--anything!--to his act to make it more interesting. Play the bagpipes, for example. Stand on his head. Macrame.

AND, if I may rant just a bit longer, how is it possible to be so blind to obvious cues that we want to be left alone? After an initial friendly neighborly greeting, we turn back to our work and do our best to try to ignore him. One would think that the earplugs are enough indication that we don't want to be talked to. Or the grunts that I cast in his direction in response to his comments. I mean, short of telling him to just go away, what are we supposed to do? I don't want to be rude, but we're working on a project here.

And then of course I feel terrible for being so impatient and crabby, and this disrupts my chi. He is a nice man and he means well. And he has helped us out with things. And his Helpful Tips are not crazy. (Just incredibly annoying and poorly timed.) Maybe it isn't weird for him to just stand there watching us for hours at a time; maybe that is a normal thing for some people. But I hate it and just want to dig and listen to my audiobook with my dear spouse in peace. Thank you, that is all.