Minneapolis Woman Offers Reward to Anyone Capable of Finding Actual Grass in Yard

My yard is an embarassment. After a particularly grisly lawn-mowing (a.k.a. dirt-patch-and-weed-mowing) experience last week, I am more convinced than ever that I have to cover the entire thing in perennials and forget about growing grass forever. Do any of you kind readers have perennials you can split for me this fall? I'll take anything I can get my hands on. Beggers can't be choosers, and I'm not particularly picky anyway.

Juice Manages to Avoid Finishing Last

The day was spent languishing away in the Law Review office. Woo hoo! (*choke**gasp!*) We had an all-day orientation for the incoming LR peeps. I had to give a presentation, which I hate, having inexplicably gotten all flustered about public speaking in recent years...but I did alright. I was glad to see my good buddy Mike, who was in China all summer. I've missed him, and we lend mutual support to each other in the whole Law Review racket (which we LOVE, as you know, I've never said anything to make you think differently. Right? Right. Alrighty then.).



The best part of the day was my phenomenal performance in cosmic bowling (under my bowling alias of course, Captain Sky Shark), finishing my second round with a TURKEY to end the game with a show-stopping 109 points. (I'll concede quite readily of course that Mike--"General Nemo"--killed me in this game. And the previous game. And every other game ever.) We played two games today and I finished second-to-last both times. Any baby can win, but to avoid losing so narrowly takes precision.



Okay. And then there's this: I am the girliest when it comes to mice. Omigodomigodomigod. I can't stand them. Shad takes care of all things rodent-related in this house. So while I appreciate the fact that the kitties went hunting last night, I really don't think they needed to shove their booty under the door for me to see first thing when I walked into the dining room this morning. Can you see from this picture what they've done? The angle is a bit off. We lock them away in the kitchen/basement at night. So they pushed the mouse under the door and into OUR part of the house. They need to keep this shit to themselves. Eat it or something so I don't have to see it. Ew. Oh, well. At least they are performing the job I hired them for.

Baby Gnome Visits Minneapolis Couple

We got a visit yesterday from the best baby ever, the dainty little Miss Esther.



She dragged her parents along, too, which worked out well enough as they are some of our very favorite people.



The wee gnome dazzled us with her tricks, like walking, and chasing the kitties, and just generally being cute.





Tell me I'm not crazy for wanting to steal this child and keep her for my very own.



(Thanks, Stwalls, for the visit, and the super special treats. You're the best.)

Hack Gardener Smitten by Wandering Jew

I love this crazy creature. I picked it up on a whim several weeks ago. It is completely out of control and keeps growing with no effort on my part whatsoever.



As if its sheer size and zeal for life isn't enough reason to love it, I noticed today that when pieces of it break off, they work their way into the earth and start growing again. Perhaps this is common knowledge to everyone except me? Perhaps this is why it "wanders"? A chunk of it accidentally fell into my ivy on the front step and it has grown considerably. I wonder how big it will get? Will it take over the ivy? Fight, fight!



I think I'm going to break off a whole bunch of it tomorrow and just spread it around everywhere.

Strange Landscape Discovered in West Central United States

Can anyone explain this? The picture is taken as we were flying over--I think--southern Colorado-ish? It's super weird. This landscape extended for miles and miles and miles. The circles are so perfectly circular, and the half-circles so perfectly halved...kinda spooky?

Juice Receives Job Offer!

Good news, friends! The Firm called while I was on vacation and offered me a job! I have not accepted it yet. Am feeling on top of the world, a mood enhanced by the fact that I am no longer in Arizona. As much as I love my little sister, I could not stay in that wasteland any longer and I will not be visiting anytime soon. It is hot, people. HOT. Horribly, uncomfortably, sustain-third-degree-burns-from-walking-across-a-parking-lot HOT. So hot that the metal on my dangly earrings burned the side of my neck when I turned my head. I also don't want to hear another word about "dry heat" unless you have first done some research on the joys of dry heat by sticking your head in an oven. Why do people live there? Why? I know Sarah and Michael are there because of their scholarships, and that's all well and good provided they can stay indoors most of the time, but what about the other half million people or whatever? And then there is the traffic situation. You have to drive forever to get anywhere, stop at a million traffic lights, etc. I felt like we were always on the road. NOT impresssed. Oh, and then there are the students at ASU. Shiny people. Cute skinny girls with bleachy hair and short shorts. Human incarnations of barbie dolls. Preppy boys. Had to leave poor Sarah behind with those people and without even her guitar for company, because it somehow got left at home. I console myself with a reminder of how miserable I am in Minnesota December - February. Surely things will be lovely for Sarah then.

Juice Hastily Posts Arizona Pics From Airport

I'm in the airport about to leave this God-forsaken wasteland. If I had to stay in this hell hole one more minute I would shoot myself.





We went to Sedona for a day, which was a really neat place. Lots of red rocks. Hiking. Galleries. Beautiful environs. Vortexes. Oooo.







Sunset pictures never turn out.





The Gnome's brother Michael graciously offered to let us crash at his place. We had a great time. Last night we stayed out too late, having gotten sucked into an epic game of trivia. LA, sorry for that drunk dial.



We topped the night off with a drunken late-night taco run. Am too vain to post picture of myself stuffing face with tacos.



Not too vain to post picture of Sarah stuffing face w/burrito, though.

Spouse Busted Ordering Pizza While Wife at Sea

The houseboat trip was wonderful. There was a full moon this past week, which was amazingly huge and orange in The Great Outdoors. I had a great time with my family. We took the boat out on Rainy Lake, docked on some different islands, swam, ate delicious meals, sat around a bonfire, etc. My confounded camera cable thingy is missing right now so I can't post pictures. I finished reading God of Small Things (sob-fest) and laughed/smirked my way through Anonymous Lawyer. The timing on AL was perfect, having just finished my summer/hazing at The Firm. Am almost finished reading The Known World.

We returned earlier than I expected so I came back home right away to see my sweet husband, who was too busy at work to join us up north. Shad wasn't expecting me until Saturday and I caught him red-handed with pizza boxes piled on the kitchen table, McDonald's cups, empty 2 liters of Mountain Dew, etc. Bwaaahhaaaahaaaa.

Am looking forward to a relaxing day at home. My folks sent me home with lots of fresh veggies from their garden, so I'm planning to make a tasty dinner. We're going to hit the Creative Electric opening later tonight, but other than that, no big plans.

Looks like it may rain...I'm going to make a pot of coffee, grab a book, and try my luck on the patio.

Juice Runs for Border

Am off to spend several days on a houseboat on the Canadian border with my family. Toodles!

Dear Neighbor With Hyperactive Car Alarm:

You are disrupting my chi. Please just leave your doors unlocked like the rest of us and let them take what they want.

Sincerely,

Ugly Juice

Dear Dude Across the Street:

I deeply regret signing that letter giving you my blessing to have four dogs or whatever.

Not Truly,

Ugly Juice

Dear Neighbor Kids:

Firecrackers? Really?

Yours Less Truly Than Before,

Ugly Juice

Dear Neighbor Kids:

You seriously need to stop screaming and please stop torturing that dog. Why not just go inside and watch T.V. for the rest of the night, OK?

Sincerely,

Ugly Juice

Dear Fairies:

The kitchen is looking rather grisly and I am almost out of clean underwear. Please attend to your duties.

Yours Truly,

Ugly Juice

Vacationing Student Seeks Book Recommendations

Yesterday Shad was dropping me off at school and we decided to get coffee beforehand. I generally refuse to get coffee at the Starbuckies on 11th street because the crazy lady who works there messes the drinks up more often than not. But Shad has never taken my advice on this issue, so I felt ever-so-vindicated when his drink got screwed up three times and fifteen minutes later we had to go somewhere else to get the coffee. For those of you who are aware of (or indeed, have been the beneficiary of) my Starbucks complaint racket, know that the genesis of the whole thing was the opening of this 11th street store, which has always been pure crap. I have lodged several complaints against this Starbucks on behalf of myself and my classmates, demanding a mere 50% of the proceeds (i.e. coupons) for my services.

So I ended up in the school library at 1:30 yesterday and found a table on the third floor. It was there that I entered into an amazing time warp. When 1:30 a.m. rolled around, I realized that I had been sitting in the same exact place for an entire 12 hours, having gotten up just once to use the rest room. I didn't even get up to get a drink or eat dinner. I am truly mindblown by this because I am generally such a spaz and get distracted by every little thing; at work I get up once or twice an hour to get a drink, wander around, pee, whatever. Fascinating. I haven't been so focused since the time I experimented with some of G's ADD meds thinking they might help me focus on my exam-studying but instead of studying I stepped outside and went for a 2-1/2 hour walk along the banks of the St. Croix river in the middle of a freezing winter night. I only realized when I returned that it was 10 degrees outside. At the time it felt like the best thing ever. That also was kind of a time-warpy experience. I digress.

Anyhoo...I need some book recommendations, people. I'm leaving town on Monday evening, and will be spending Tuesday - Saturday with my family. We will be on a houseboat for most of the week. I plan to pack a ton of books. Will finally finish God of Small Things. My friend Bruce is loaning me Anonymous Lawyer, which I've been dying to read. Am thinking of also bringing Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (Julie, you just finished this right? Is it good?) and The Known World. Am kinda hungry for a good nonfiction, any recommendations? Am also kinda hungry for something that will make me cry my eyes out, not cheesy cries (a la Kite Runner; Atonement), but good, from-the-soul cries (a la Bitter Grounds). Or maybe it's time to read the Grisham. I even got a super-cheesy paperback copy so I can feel especially ghetto when I read it. I've been putting that off like bad medicine. I think I have to read something I already own, though, because once again I have a library fine situation (MIL: I know, I know!). I think I owe the Minneapolis Public Library about fifty bucks. And the Brookdale library is completely out of the question. That fine is at $260, I think. So, any recommendations?

Well, back to work. Am working on a really fun project. Really. Also, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finishing up my very last work assignment today.

Instead of Turning Incredibly Serendipitous Moment into Hilarious Shenanigan, Juice Chokes Like Total Dimwit

Tonight I was at an event at a restaurant downtown when I got a call from my good pal Jason, also known as The Kubb Hustler from the South Side (pictured here in all his (our) glory if you scroll down past whining rant). I stepped outside to take the call. I wandered down the street while we were talking, but it was hard to hear, so I stepped inside LaSalle Plaza.

When I looked down the hall in front of me, I saw my good pal Jason, which was disorienting, because HOLY SHIT I was also talking to him on the phone. Neither of us had any idea that we were both downtown, and he certainly had no idea that I was watching him talk to me.

Here's where the story could have taken a hilarious turn, you see. I could have said, "Let me guess...you decided to grab a drink at Rock Bottom before the Ween concert tonight?" "You're not wearing that horrifying flowered cowboy shirt today, are you?" "When is the last time you had a haircut?" or any number of things to mess with his head and indicate that Big Brother is watching. To my credit, I did look around to try to find a column that I might hide behind so that I might attempt to pull off these shenanigans. But I didn't pull it off. I choked. I was so amused to run into him so serendipitously that I just froze right there on the threshold of glory. I seriously hate myself sometimes.

In other news, there was a five gallon bucket on the side of the road as I was exiting the highway to drive into my neighborhood tonight. It was perilously close to YOUR house, Julie!!!! Honestly, it gave me the creeps. Lock your doors tonight, everybody.