Ugly Juice Celebrates One Year!

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to Ugly
Happy Birthday to me

Impolite Prof Awakens Juice From Half-Slumber

There are 95 people in my Evidence class. That's about a 1% chance I'll get called on, right? Actually, we've been in class for about three weeks, and he's never called on anyone, just takes volunteers. So I'm feeling pretty safe in the back row reading all of your blogs and letting my tired little brain check itself out.

Actually, I was feeling extra safe since I volunteered two answers on Friday. First I volunteered to give the Plaintiff's argument for a particular problem. Then, when no one volunteered to give the Defendant's argument, I said ah, what the hell, and volunteered that answer, too. Theory: It's better to just volunteer when you're up to it, to avoid the burn of being called on cold.

So, no WAY he's going to call on me today. Right?

WRONG. Suddenly prof announces he's done taking volunteers, and he's going to start calling on people. The whole class tenses up. Getting called on is damn scary in a class with 95 people, you don't want to look like an idiot, plus our prof was just nominated to be a federal judge, so it's even more intimidating to open your trap in his class. You really don't want to look like a dope in front of a federal judge.

You know where this is going. He calls on the Juice. Why do they always call on the Juice? Did I mention no one else has been called on all semester? Do I look like I'm falling asleep or something?

Juice responded like a champ, no worries.

It's true, I was having a very hard time staying awake in class today. I was up late working on an impossibly boring authority check (and tied, cross-eyed, to the microfische reader because the author decided to quote this obscure piece-of-crap article from 1958 and then cited the wrong damn page so I had to sit in front of the flippin' microfische scanning pages and pages and pages of pure baloney looking for the one stupid sentence to make sure he quoted it correctly, but that's neither here nor there and I'm certainly not bitter about it, oh no, and just so you know, eventually I did find the sentence, and he had quoted it wrong, ha!), then dragged myself out of bed to meet my mentor in the early morning and watch a summary judgment argument in federal court. I didn't have time to grab caffeine before rushing to class. Not a good idea. And a bummer, too, because I really like Evidence, and usually pay attention when I'm not nodding off.

Author Thinks GW is Big Dummy, of Course, But Wonders Why We Put Personal Information Online if So Opposed to Domestic Spying?

OR: Get off my back, I don't want a MySpace, OK?

I think the Constitution should be upheld even if our President can’t understand it and even if FISA is too complicated or inconvenient for him to bother with. With this in mind, I find the whole MySpace explosion to be quite interesting. Just this week, I’ve had three more people tell me I should get a MySpace page. How can we simultaneously express such outrage over domestic spying while putting information about ourselves on the internet at every available opportunity? I’m not a conspiracy theorist or anything like that (with the exception of the craft and cartoonist conspiracies, of course), and I realize there's a big difference between voluntarily making information public and having your phone conversations listened to, but I do worry that we are all acting as agents furthering our government’s spying policies.

I don’t think MySpace is bad. I think it’s a great way to find old friends and stay connected with everybody. But I don’t want a future client googling me and finding all this personal information, looking up all my friends, seeing pictures of me singing karaoke, whatever. As much as I love looking up my pals on the internet, I just feel itchy about putting this information about myself out there. I don’t know. What do you guys think?

(NB: But secret blogs are OK).

Woman Sprains Wrist Attempting to Turn on Car Heater The Old Fashioned Way

Matt taught me how to give my car a good WHAP when the heater doesn't turn on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...when it doesn't, it's certainly not for lack of trying.

Tonight, it worked.

Here's a hilarious cat video to watch while I cradle my wrist.



"A Toga Man without a toga is just a man."

--Shad, when asked to unravel himself from his bath towel so I could wash it.

Crafter Delighted to Find Inspiration on the Internets

There are few things I love more than humor that is unapologetically morbid and wrong. And this is knit, people. Knit! I'm so delighted by its ickiness.

Click here for more. (Link via yumlum).

Source of Domestic Chaos Revealed: Laundry Fairy and Bogeyman Close Ranks

Part One: Laundry Fairy and Bogeyman Found Engaging in Clandestine Love Affair

How did I get such bum luck? I know for a fact that other people have respectful and dutiful laundry fairies. I see evidence of it when I go to their homes. Neatly folded and stacked towels, for example. Clean, pressed clothing. Matching socks. My laundry fairy is a lazy, inept, two-timing punk. This afternoon, down to my last few pairs of undies, I decided to brave the trip through the laundry room. There was a fortress built of dirty clothes--about a month's worth--and I will admit, it was difficult to wade past the incredibly huge mound to get to the washing machine. I put on my goggles and ploughed through the wreckage. And there they were, all cozied up in the corner of the laundry room. That lecherous, traitorous, vindictive, scheming, villainous wench. Not only did she turn all the other domestic fairies against me, now she's closed ranks with the Bogeyman. I must separate those miscreants before they destroy every bit of sanity I have left.

Part Two: Ugly Juice Declares War on Laundry Fairy

Actually, I don't need to be terrorized by these nefarious villains in my own home. I'm fighting back.

I'm stealing her Oxiclean.

Image of UJ glancing fiendishly out of corner of eye while pouring economy-size bucket of Oxi down toilet...flushes...bubbles spill over...suds begin to fill house...

Karaoke Night at VFW Another Sad Chapter in Juice's Quest to Lose All Self-Dignity

Had a great time last night with my good pal Amy. After several hours of chillin' in the Sky Lounge, we had an excellent dinner with Dave, Jenny, and Shad at Koyi sushi. The sushi was delicious--I had a shrimp tempura roll with avocado and asparagus, spicy tuna roll, and vegetable tempura. Love. I'm crazy about that tempura. After dinner, we all headed over to a gallery show before parting ways. Amy and I met up with Summ1, Summ2, and a bunch of school pals at Bryant Lake Bowl. We had some appetizers and drinks while waiting for a lane to open up so we could bowl. Then we got sick of waiting and decided to join Jason and Chuck over at the VFW for karaoke night. God help me, law school has given me a drinking problem which is manifesting itself in larger embarassments every day. I can only hope everyone else was too busy drinking bottles of PBR to remember me singing Janis Joplin.

Summ's best friend from LA has been visiting for the last week and a half, and we are having a blast with her. Her real name is Gianne, but we just call her Summ2 because she is Summ's exact twin. Except she's Asian and wears glasses. It is uncanny and crazy. The best was last week we were planning what we were going to do and I suggested spending Friday night drinking wine in the Sky Lounge. We mentioned it a couple of times over the few days and finally she said, "So, um...What's the dress code at the Sky Lounge? Is there a cover?" Summ and I nearly died laughing. "It's Anna's attic!" But the best was later, when we decided to go get pizza at Crescent Moon Bakery. When we suggested it to Gianne, she gave me this skeptical look and said, "What's that, your kitchen?"

Bogeyman Expands Scope of Bogeyness in North Minneapolis Household

I am unsuccessfully peddling a gallon of lentils that I made the other day during an over-ambitious stint in the kitchen. I thought I'd be able to palm some of them off on The Gnome, but then realized I had put turkey bacon in them and had to rescind the offer (Gnomey is vegetarian). Greta came over for dinner tonight, and I sent some home with her, to give to Kate. This leaves me with about one-and-a-half quarts. Any takers? They're not bad. And they're good for you. But if I have to eat any more of them, I'll probably puke.

I've been feeling under the weather. I missed a day and a half of school this week due to being home sick in bed. I've never skipped so much class. Mostly I have a headache, stomach ache, and just feel "blah" and "crummy." Is there a diagnosis for that? -s. says it's low blood sugar. Well. The diet is going OK. Those first two days were the hardest, but now I'm drinking green tea instead of my mochas, snacking on veggies and hummous, and eating grilled meat and salads (...and lentils). And the weather has been beautiful, so I was able to hit the running trail after school today--I made it two miles this time without stopping. That's steady progress for me, I was psyched.

Also, the bogey-man is back, and has expanded the scope of his bogeyness. First, he took my keys. When I came home sick on Tuesday, I put my bags on the couch and made a beeline for my bed. When I woke up, my keys had disappeared. I've searched everywhere. I always clip them to my purse. They're not there. UGH! And then, this morning, one of my shoes was missing--they were sitting right by the door the day before. I think the bogeyman has also set his sights on my car. After being fixed for about a day, the heater stopped working again for several weeks. Until today, it being about 50 degrees out, I hit a big bump and it suddenly turned on. Egads, the sad irony. I also have an ongoing issue with my tires losing air, which came to a head this week when I discovered that all three gas stations in my neighborhood have broken air hoses. I didn't discover it, though, until after I went to the first station and drained all the air out of my tire while trying to fill it with the broken air hose. Ugh! After unsuccessfully trying to fill it at broken air hose elsewhere, I coasted home on the rims. None of those stations have a sign indicating that the air hoses are broken. I want my 75 cents back, bastards. Matt loaned me his super duper jumper cable & air-compresser kit. It's the most excellent contraption ever, and fixed my problem right up.

I wonder if the Bogeyman likes lentils?

Author Shamelessly Seeks Pity

I was going to just suffer quietly, but to hell with it. I need pity.

I'm on a diet. (***SOB, GROAN***)

I am miserable.

Every year, I make a whole list of New Year's Resolutions. I keep about half of them. I won't bore you with the details, but one resolution is to lose the 15 pounds I've gained since starting law school. I'm not full of self-loathing or anything about that, but let's not kid ourselves. That's just gross. So I decided to go on that South Beach Diet. And start working out again. (Also, for the fifteenth year in a row, "Stop Biting Nails" made it to the resolution list. That's always a hilarious joke.)

I've tried to start this diet a few times in the past, and make it about two days before going mad with cravings for french fries or a glass of wine or a mocha with extra whipped cream. Actually, the deprivation from my favorite foods makes me miserable. It gives me such joy to take a break from my studying and get a great big mocha from Caribou. Aside from my constant mocha cravings, the biggest problem is always finding something interesting to eat, and having food on hand. But we had a good shopping trip, and I've made it through two days now without cheating. Yesterday I made a tofu and vegetable stir-fry with spicy peanut sauce and cashews...today -s. brought me a delicious chicken curry for lunch, and for dinner I grilled opah and made a coconut curry sauce, and made a big pot of lentils with Chinese five spice, tomatoes, onions, and parsley. I think all those things are legal. I also bought a whole bunch of cabbage. I love stir-fried cabbage. Really. (*choke*) But not as much as I love hamburgers and french fries and coke and mashed potatoes and mochas with whipped cream.

I also made it to the gym today with Geoff. I have a 4:30 a.m. run scheduled with Greg, Tonya, and Firooz at the end of February, so I have some motivation to get in shape to save face. No, wait. I have no face to save. I'm a pathetic runner. I hate running. And I run at about half the pace of those freaks. Today, I was exhausted after running a mile on the treadmill. I'm not made to be a runner. I should stop pressing the issue. *sigh* Anyhoo...My goal is to get up to six miles by the end of the month. Wish me luck. AND, if I can prevent myself from cheating for the next twelve days, I can reward myself with something truly indulgent, like a bowl of bran flakes or a grapefruit. Woo hoo. I can't wait.

Juice Finishes New Laptop Bag

The Wiz Wishes She Was a Knick-Knack

Unlike Car, The Wiz doesn't bite or scratch or hide out on a dining room chair waiting to sink a sharp little claw into your thigh when you walk past her. Instead, she prefers to just pick a spot and sit perfectly still until she blends in with the furnishings around her and you forget she's even around.

Graphic Noise is Good Eye Candy

Went to the Graphic Noise poster show at MCAD tonight--good times! The place was packed, and the art was awesome. The show runs through Feb. 19--stop by if you get a chance, and check out great gig posters from international and local designers (such as our very own and beloved Big Time Attic).

Juice Gives Quick Shout out to Her Girl Angela

Angela called to announce her engagement to the magnificent Edward Mills. Woop woop!

"My Winter Vacation" by Ugly Juice

We spent Christmas with my family in Perham. It's a family tradition to gather around the piano and work our way through the Reader's Digest Holiday Songbook. Did you all know I have four lovely sisters? Front row (L-R): Dear little Mary (12, punk rocker extraordinaire), and Sarah (18, multi-talented genius of sickening proportions); Back Row (L-R): Mom, Kate (28, wonders who just farted), Greta (22?, seems to know who just farted), Moi (doesn't care who farted, but how 'bout another glass of wine?)



Wha??? (Juice does not remember and has no explanation for this, but notes that it is difficult to hold glass of wine while doing quasi-Egyptian dance.)



Hosted craft craft revolution in new craft studio. Far left: Action shot of Julie working on a skirt, The Mess interrogating a witness (face blurred for protection, apparently), Gretchen admiring Sarah's swank sewing machine while Sarah learns to sew.



Emily mosaics in the Sky Lounge.



Amy models newly-finished swank silky shirt. (Juice steals remnants to make pillow).



The Mess finds Shad's Mexican wrestling mask. Juice pleads the fifth.



Juice finishes Esther's quilt.



Juice and Shad drive to Rock Island, Illinois and see MIL's amazing and beautiful new house.



The living room and gorgeous three-season porch, with original french doors. Don't be fooled by the ugly carpet--there are beautiful hardwood floors underneath.

Still no Leads on Star Trek/Dr. Who Shenanigans

Seriously. Who did it? I refuse to believe that Shad has been hiding them from me for seven years.

Turkey Bacon Stinks and Foot Duvets Lead to Sweaty Feet

We were out of town last weekend, visiting the in-laws in beautiful Rock Island, Illinois. They bought an awesome tudor-style home there. It is so incredibly beautiful. It's 6000 square feet, sits on an acre-and-a-half of lovely yard sloping down to a cobblestone street, and is adorable with french doors, wood floors, leaded windows, etc. Crazy real estate market out there, they bagged it for $200k. Unbelievable. They are currently living in a hotel while they do some remodeling. They are in the process of cleaning stuff out, and you can bet I loaded up the Subaru with groovy stuff that was headed for the dumpster--pink velvet draperies, an awesome light fixture, fun garden stuff (including a lawn gnome!)... Unfortunately they had already emptied a dumpster weighing several tons prior to our arrival, so I'm afraid I may have missed out on some cool stuff, but am trying not to think about it. I'm not sure we could have packed one more thing in that Subaru anyway. Anyhoo, the whole family was there, and we had a good time shopping for house stuff, antiquing, bowling, etc.

In other news, after picking on Geoff for his oh-so-comfy foot duvets during our last study retreat, I tried them on for myself and instantly fell in lust with them. So I was delighted when LA gave me some foot duvets of my very own last week. They are the best. Turns out Matt got a pair for Christmas this year, too. We are nerds.

That is the last time I buy that turkey bacon. Our house has smelled like meat for two days. Ew.

Juice Tickled Pink at Pics of Little Esther Playing on Quilt

I had meant to post pics of the quilt I just made for little baby Esther, but Gnomey beat me to it, and gee wiz do I feel all silly and shy about all the praise. But go check out the pictures of that little pumpkin.

Sleep-Deprived Student Writes Useless Rambling Note About First Day Back at School

Ugh. Long day at school--first day back for the semester. I worked at the restaurant really late last night, then dragged myself out of bed in the early a.m. to guzzle coffee and read for class, having renewed my commitment to do homework and be a good student. I did, in fact, get the reading done for Business Associations. But then we ended up NOT talking about the reading, which as you can imagine thrilled me since I was dragging my feet all day due to homework-induced sleep deprivation. And I didn't read at all for another one of the classes, so actually failed on my very first day to be the model student that I aspire to be. ACK! What a jerk. I'm a terrible student. Had three long classes today, and a long oral read session for law journal, with my only respite being a nice coffee break w/dear -s. in the afternoon. Finally arrived home starving just now. Happily had some leftover Swedish dumpling soup from Gretchen to chow down on. YUM. Am a new woman. Anyhoo.... Course load this semester includes: Evidence; Business Associations (aka Biz Ass); Complex Litigation; Jurisprudence; and Lawyering Skills III (Appellate Brief-Writing). Am working on scrounging up the rest of my textbooks, have been lucky enough to bag some used copies from friends. Am really over the whole $95 textbook situation.

Tomorrow I am skipping Biz Ass (biggest snooze EVER) and heading to Rock Island, Illinois, to visit Shad's family. They have just returned to the States and MIL informs me she has ripped their new house apart and is anticipating a weekend of shopping and home decorating-type activities. Fun!

The six-hour drive to the quad cities seems like a great way to get my reading done for next week. Unfortunately in the past few years I've started to get terrible motion sickness when reading in the car. Any suggestions on how to combat that? If I read for just ten minutes, I'll end up feeling nauseous the whole rest of the drive.

I hate having to go to bed. I want to be up all the time. I hate when it turns 3 a.m. and I'm still not tired, but I know I need to just suck it up and hit the hay. But not when I'm in school. Then I want to sleep all the time. Anyhoo, better rest up for another day of craft craft revolution followed by the Half-way Done Party that Chuck is hosting at Summit Brewery tomorrow night.

Craft Craft Revolution is New Rage in North Minneapolis

I'm in the middle of a Craft Craft Revolution. I declared Sat a.m. - Tues p.m. to be a craftin' holiday, and invited a bunch of my crafty buddies to swing by to work on stuff. It has been great fun. We've had 5-6 sewing machines set up in the craft studio, several bottles of wine have been consumed, and excellent projects are getting finished. We kicked off with a tasty potluck yesterday and have been eating, drinking, and sewing ever since. It's so fun for me to work on my stuff and have my pals around. Joy. I made a purse out of vinyl records yesterday, but I hate it. Am trying to find a way to make it look better. Today, I'm working on finishing up a quilt. Once I finish it, I get to play on Sarah's sewing machine. She left it here for me to use for the week, and I'm itching to try all the funky stitches on it...

Craft Craft Revolution started a bit late today, and Shad and I went to brunch at Dave & Jenny's. They made the most delicious torte (?) with eggs, goat cheese, carmelized onions, sage, and other secret agent ingredients. It was so awesome. I totally wanted to lick the pan.

Juice Thinks of a Few Shenanigans of Her Own

Shad used to rent from these two guys who had horrifying taste in home decor (think: pink neon lights, black grid things hanging on the wall, pictures of firemen hosing each other down). I have often thought it would be funny to pick up something that would have been in their house to give Shad as a gift (or just stick in the livingroom for kicks). So imagine my delight when I found this on Craig's List:




It's kind of hard to make out in the photo, but it's coffee table. They put a post-it note on it or something. The "base" is a jaguar, and the top is glass. Those guys had this table in their family room and we moved it every time we wanted to go in there to watch a movie. Partially so it wouldn't be in our way, partially so we wouldn't have to look at it. It would be hilarious to pick it up...but I can't bring myself to put it in my own house. Hmmmm....

Minneapolis Couple Receives Yet Another Startling Visit From "Weird Things Bogeyman"

When I began cleaning the attic last week, things were looking rather grim. One of the casualties was a bookshelf that had spilled the contents of its lower shelf onto the floor--about two dozen Star Trek and Dr. Who novels.

Huh. I had never seen these before in my life.

Well, I knew they weren't ours, and Toby didn't really store any of his stuff up there, and I know certainly Kevin isn't a trekkie, so that left...Zander. So when Julie came over the other day, I sent her home with the bag of books. As I handed it over, she gave me this sort of disgusted/alarmed/wary look.

"I've never seen these before," she said.

I shrugged, "He's probably been hiding them from you. Maybe he always kept them in the studio."

"Ew." She said. "Some people uncover their husband's pornography stash. I get...this." She held the bag like one might hold a bucket of slime-covered rat heads.

Yup, too bad, sister. Sorry you had to find out like this.

Shortly thereafter, I received an email from Zander: What kind of a weirdo do you think I am?

Well, what the hell? I was floored.

Then, Shad suggested that this may be yet another act of the Weird Things Bogeyman that terrorized North Minneapolis this past summer. (See here, and here, and here). But this is puzzling, too. In the past, we have through circumstantial evidence suspected The Gnome of perpetrating these shenanigans. But she regrettably has not been to our house in several months because she's stuck in New Mommy La La Land. Is it possible that she or her dear husband planted those books months ago and we just now found them? Have we been suspecting the wrong people all along? Well, if it is indeed The Gnome, it is sweet justice that the pork-chop bogeyman seems to have paid her a visit. Bwaaa haaaa haaaaaa.

Woman Fights Urge to Seriously Injure Citibank Employee

I've spent the last few days finishing my craft area in preparation for last night's craft conspiracy meeting hosted by moi. It was a super fun meeting, wish I had taken some pictures. We finished almost all of the quilt blocks, and I'll spend the weekend finishing it up. I'll post photos when done.

I was going to write a really long rant about the super annoying conversation I had with the guy at Citibank today. I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo irate. Basically, I had called to activate my new card, and he was trying to get me to enroll in credit protection. I told him "no" no less than eight times before I finally hung up in exasperation. He was being so argumentative. What really made me mad was that to fully activate my card, he said he needed to read me this disclosure thing, and I kept asking him to do that so I could hang up, but he wouldn't do it, so I had to stay on the line while he kept pushing and pushing and pushing it on me, while I said NO NO NO NO. After I said at least 3 times that I didn't want it, and that I just wanted to be done with the conversation, he said, "OK, then I'll just go ahead and sign you up for this credit protection, and..." WHAT? I want to complain to the attorney general about it. It's one thing to be pushy, but to sign someone up for it in the face of their explicit refusal is criminal. They are just preying on people who don't have the patience or the strength to say no. And they're counting on me to not look at my statement close enough to see the extra charges to pay for the program. I was going to post a transcript of the conversation with commentary, but I'm reading this new book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all Small Stuff," which tells me that being annoyed at the behavior of other people interferes with my own peace and happiness. So I have to let it go. Even though I accidentally ranted about it anyway. Instead, I will feel sympathy for him. He must be very unhappy.

That is a pretty good book, by the way. My mom keeps it in our bathroom at home. When Shad and I were driving back from Perham after visiting for Christmas, Shad mentioned that he had spent more time in the bathroom than necessary because he was enjoying the book. Then I admitted, that I, too, had lingered on the can reading it on several occasions during my visit. Shad picked up a copy at Barnes and Noble few days later. I haven't read the whole thing, but I've been reading a few pages here and there. I suspect Shad set this whole thing up so that I won't bug him about cleaning the house all the time. Because having a clean house is considered "small stuff"...and, well, you don't sweat the small stuff.

Juice Tells Oxi to Step Aside

I have a new favorite product.

Minneapolis Woman Stumbles Across Old Diary, Laughs so Hard Stomach Hurts

I've kept diaries almost constantly since I was a little kid. I was moving them around while cleaning tonight, and decided to take a peek. I opened to a page where I had drawn up a plan for my life. I was 18 or so. Really, this is embarassing, but too hilarious not to share...if not for the content, then for the precision with which I had everything planned out:

Age 23: Graduate from college
Age 24: Work on a cruise ship (travel/see world)
Age 26: Work as au pair
Age 27: Get warehouse-type studio to create art, fashion, music, and write
Age 28: Go to med school (how long does med school take?)
Age 32: Get married
Ages 33, 35, 36: Have kids
Ages 36-54 (or maybe 48): be a happy housewife, no job, write books, design clothes
When kids are grown, begin career.

Juice Changes Tune, Says YAY for Consumerism!

Julie came over for a little lunch today and we did some planning for Thursday's meeting of the International Craft Conspiracy. I'm hosting this meeting, and teaching sort of a Quilting 101--basic techniques (because, er, I'm not really qualified to teach anything beyond that). Julie and I headed over to Glad Creations Quilt Block in Powderhorn (34th & Bloomington). It's a great little shop, and lucky for us, they were having a New Year's Sale. Everything in the store was 20% off, and we were stepping on people left and right. The place was so incredibly packed. Needless to say, I left with some excellent fabrics for the quilt as well as a nice little pile of fabric for yet another project that probably won't get finished. Why don't we have more quilt shops in Minneapolis?

Then, Shad and I headed down to IKEA to spend some Christmas money that was burning a hole in my pocket. Shad indulged me by pushing the cart while I filled it up with stuff for my clubhouse--furry rug, light fixtures, coffee table, plants... I had entered the store with the intent to buy a few storage boxes. Whoopsies. Yay for consumerism!

Car is keeping a very close eye on my new white furry rug. She's not quite sure what to think about it. I think she's pretty sure I brought home the pelt of an enormous white persian kitty.