Vulnerable Woman Duped By Sneaky Marketing Scheme

Several weeks ago I received a Caribou Coffee gift card and I decided to register it online. One of the questions during registration was "Would you like to receive a special message on your birthday?" At the time I was feeling particularly sad and vulnerable and the idea of receiving a special message on my birthday seemed terribly appealing. So I clicked "yes" and gave them my e-mail address.

Obviously, I immediately began receiving spam from Caribou Coffee. Probably 5-6 messages a week. But this is okay, I think, because I am going to recieve a special message on my birthday... I wait it out.

Soooooooo...the big day arrives. I am 29 today.

Oooh, boy. I boot up my computer and check my e-mail.

No special message from Caribou Coffee.

NO SPECIAL MESSAGE!!!!!

(In fairness--because, oh, even when ranting I try to be fair--they did send me a free birthday drink coupon last week. Which was nice. But that wasn't the deal, folks. The deal was SPECIAL MESSAGE ON MY BIRTHDAY.)

I hit the refresh button on my gmail account all day.

NO! SPECIAL! MESSAGE!

I endured weeks of spam for this???? And incidentally, given the prolificacy of their spamming, the odds that I would NOT receive ANY message from them today was, like, NIL! Incredible! Breach of contract! Detrimental reliance! If I knew I would have to endure such heartache today, I would have just sent myself a time-delayed message from my gmail account. A special birthday wish from Six-Weeks-Ago-Anna to Present-Day-Anna. Instead, I thought I could count on Caribou to send me a special message. It's not like I need everyone to wish me a happy birthday or anything, but one has certain expectations. My mom. My spouse. My bestest friends. Caribou Coffee SINCE I SIGNED UP FOR IT! Those bastards! And what can I do? Call the corporate headquarters and demand that they send me a special message??? I am just screwed, pure and simple. Completely screwed out of my special message. I do not need this emotional roller coaster. I am not answering their trivia anymore! I am only going to Dunn Bros. from now on! No. I AM going to answer their trivia from now on. I am going to siphon away all of their profits ten cents at a time. And maybe I will send them a special message, too. Because, dammit, they made me cranky on my birthday.