Minneapolis Woman Considers Relative Merits of Neck Amputation

Pardon me for a moment, but I must whine. Shingles SUCKS. I am miserable. I'm sooooo itchy, and pain is shooting up and down my nerve pathways. My head hurts. My neck aches. I feel like I'm on fire. I can't concentrate. But if I take the Vicadin, as I did yesterday, then I get completely floaty and useless. I feel so sorry for old people who get this all the time. At least with my age, it is expected to go away in a few weeks. On a more practical note, I do not own enough turtlenecks to endure this disease.

Update: I realize it's melodramatic, but I must go into further description. Imagine you have hundreds of little rodents under your skin and they are trying to claw their way out. Plus the outside of your skin is on fire. And then someone is jabbing you in the neck with the freshly sharpened tines of a fork. The tines go under your skin and twist a little bit. Maybe they are barbed or something. And, just for good measure, a constant stream of lemon juice is rolling over those open wounds. Am I shamelessly begging for pity? Maybe. Not that it would help. Maybe I will go sit in the road and wait for a bus to hit me.

Unborn Child Enrolls in Tae Kwon Do Class

Now that I can feel my little dude move, I am getting an idea of his habits. He is often active in the evenings. Tonight he is kicking the sh*t out of me. He's probably going to be a total night owl like his pop. I am doomed. It's so exciting to feel him move, and better still is when Shad can feel him, too. According to the Mayo web site, he weighs about a pound and a half now.

I've been hit with an onslought of wacky possibly preggy symptoms this past week. The lymph nodes in my neck are all swollen and the left side of my neck is stiff and covered in a rash. The rash has been here since last Thurs, and is not reacting at all to the cortizone I've been slathering on it. I went to the minute clinic and the lady shooed me away. (Actually, she said, "Hm. I have no idea what that rash is. I wonder if you have mono." And then said they had to be careful with pregnant ladies and gave me the boot. AWESOME.) I'm no MD, and I've never had mono, but I doubt that diagnosis. So, I'm back to the doctor tomorrow. Can I just be healthy for one minute??? On top of feeling like a total freak, and after a couple weeks of being able to stay awake until *gasp!* 11 p.m., I'm back to being exhausted again. I pretty much just go to work and go to bed, go to work and go to bed. I hate the fatigue soooo much. Books are going unread. Plants are not being watered. Clothes are not being sewn. Nurseries are not being planned. Needless to say, the fairies, particularly the dish-washing fairy, have once again abandoned the household in this time of crisis.

Anyway. I'm not sure what the schedule is in there, but here's hoping that after the 10 p.m. Tae Kwon Do class, little dude enjoys a long peaceful spell of meditative yoga. Or reads some poetry. Or better yet, goes to sleep.

Update: The doctor diagnosed me with shingles. What am I, 80? I'm sure I have never felt more attractive in my whole life.

PUNY Creates Best Web Site of All Time

Kids! Parents! Check it out and tell everyone you know! The world will never be the same!

Yo Gabba Gabba!

Spouse Finds Secret Stash of Sweet Martha's Cookies Under the Frozen Peas in Back of Freezer

Those cookies are for the baby! Check out that little chocolate-loving belly.

Fashion Industry Discriminates Against Pregnant Ladies

At the risk of sounding snobby and petty and vain, I need to gripe about the dearth of quality maternity clothes available for pregnant ladies.

The options suck.

For some reason, purveyors of maternity wear have decided that my people must wear clothing of synthetic fabrics. They refuse to line our pants. They charge us a multiplier of what normal people would have to pay. And they have reduced us to only a handful of decent options, like Japanese Weekend, and Noppies, and...that's all I can think of. I'm told The Gap sells good stuff. I'm being unreasonably snobby about shopping at The Gap in this time of crisis. I feel like an Andy Warhol print when I shop at The Gap, wrapping myself in clothing for the masses. But it's not like I've never shopped there. And I buy clothes at Target, which is practically the same thing.

I'm no fashionista, but I do really love and appreciate good clothes. I care. I miss my wardrobe. I'm used to wearing a suit every day and the lack of quality career clothes is especially problematic. This is killing me. I am having a wardrobe meltdown several times a week. The "nice" jacket that I paid way too much for at Mimi Maternity is made of acetate or something. Pea in the Pod masquerades as this upscale shop for professionals, but it's all just rubbish, too, and their sizing is all screwy--I've been burned now three times on items I ordered from them online. I tried on two suits at Nine, a local maternity resale shop, and even though they purported to be my size, they were too small--the jacket didn't button around my boobs or my belly, and the waistband on the pants didn't stretch far enough. What good is a maternity suit if it only fits for the first four months? It's not like I'm an absurdly huge pregnant lady or something. I'd be in complete crisis were I not lucky enough to have been loaned some great clothes from my sister and some good friends. But they don't wear suits to work.

Further, I do understand, design-wise, why it makes sense to cut the necklines low, which helps accommodate a pregnant lady's ever-growing boobs. But it would be nice to wear a dress to work in which I'm not showing off all of my cleavage. Even if I am kind of proud of it.

Why doesn't anyone care about us? It's awkward enough to deal with my changing body day to day, and it doesn't help to feel frumpy on top of it. The wish list is simple. Give us some quality fabrics. Help us keep our boobs inside our dresses. Line our pants and jackets. And if you are going to charge us an arm and a leg for our clothes, give us what we are paying for.

All Clients Make Secret Pact to Call Attorney on Same Day

My head is spinning off my head. I want to hide. There is only one of me, people. Just one.