Domestic Bliss Disrupted by Nosy Neighbor

Shad and I are working on some yard projects this weekend. Today (after the downpour) we were digging a trench while listening to our respective audiobooks. Shad is listening to David Rakoff (Fraud); I have moved on to David Sedaris (Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim). I love having Shad listen to my pre-screened audio books; I can glance fondly at him when he doubles over with the giggles, and he will shout out whatever phrase has caused the outburst--"You WILL eat chicken again!"--and then I will remember when I snickered at the same story and I love that; it is a partial--if time-delayed--fulfillment of my desire to share with him every thing I think and read and hear during the day. We were happy and this lightened our labor.

But then, the neighbor came. He is a nice man. Really. Very nice. But every time we work on a yard project, he shows up and just stands there, observing and offering the occasional "Helpful Tip." I trust, gentle reader, that I do not need to elucidate for you the reasons why this is SO INCREDIBLY ANNOYING THAT I HAVE TO RESTRAIN MYSELF FROM GOING AT HIM WITH THE SHOVEL. By this time I am already incredibly grumpy about the fact that his presence has forced me to pause my audio book. And who wants to have someone standing around watching you dig? But the Helpful Tips, oh my God. Because the thing is, if we appear to be receptive of the Helpful Tips, then he will start to help us, and the last thing we want is for him to take over a part of our project, for obvious reasons. But sometimes the Helpful Tip is something we are going to do anyway because we are not total idiots (like, measure, for example). So then we have to be careful about how we proceed so that he is not encouraged by our apparent acceptance of his Helpful Tip, which will only inspire him to offer more. Shad and I do not even need to exchange a glance of mutual irritation. I can feel his blood pressure from fifteen feet away. We are going to be out there all day tomorrow, and I want to listen to Barack Obama's "Dreams from my Father," which I picked up from the library this morning. He is going to be out there all day, I just know it. If I have to pause my audiobook, I may very well flip out and do something that will disqualify me from acceptance to the Bar.

Furthermore, the situation is just so boring. I mean, the annoying neighbor offering helpful tips is such a stereotype. A stock character from any sitcom. I wish he could add something--anything!--to his act to make it more interesting. Play the bagpipes, for example. Stand on his head. Macrame.

AND, if I may rant just a bit longer, how is it possible to be so blind to obvious cues that we want to be left alone? After an initial friendly neighborly greeting, we turn back to our work and do our best to try to ignore him. One would think that the earplugs are enough indication that we don't want to be talked to. Or the grunts that I cast in his direction in response to his comments. I mean, short of telling him to just go away, what are we supposed to do? I don't want to be rude, but we're working on a project here.

And then of course I feel terrible for being so impatient and crabby, and this disrupts my chi. He is a nice man and he means well. And he has helped us out with things. And his Helpful Tips are not crazy. (Just incredibly annoying and poorly timed.) Maybe it isn't weird for him to just stand there watching us for hours at a time; maybe that is a normal thing for some people. But I hate it and just want to dig and listen to my audiobook with my dear spouse in peace. Thank you, that is all.