An Open Letter to the Fairies

Dear Fairies:

Well, well, well. Life has been pretty nice these past couple of weeks, has it not? You’ve been content to lounge around, drinking mint juleps and playing sudoku whilst I clean out the refrigerator and throw the clothes in the wash. Surely you believe your slothfulness and neglect is justified by the fact that I am unemployed and not currently taking classes, and therefore I apparently have nothing better to do than scrub the toilet. Take a look around, my dears. Take a good hard look. Those piles of books are not getting any smaller, and I certainly cannot read them when doing your chores. First and most glaringly, please attend to that mound of dishes left over from last night’s dinner party, a mess compounded by my abortive six a.m. rhubarb-muffin-making enterprise. Second, regarding that “kitty-meets-a-roll-of-toilet-paper” affair: I fail to believe that I am the only person in this household who is sick of wading through mounds of shredded toilet paper whenever I go downstairs to turn on the stereo. While I am of the view that since it was Shad’s bright idea to bring an animal into the house, he should clean up the rubbish created thereby, it would make things easier if you could just take care of it. Third, don’t think you are fooling me with your little trick of trying to make the living room look clean by pushing all of the junk behind the closed door of the guest bedroom. In addition, please clean out the Kia, straighten things up in the Sky Lounge, and hang up those clothes that have accumulated over the past several of months in that laundry basket in my bedroom. And wash the windows. And clean out the gutters. By the way, I noticed that you drank the last of the milk and put the empty milk bottle back in the fridge. Come on.

Awwww…. Put down your bindle. I’m not firing you (I can’t afford to); this is just a little kick in your fairy asses. I know we are needy here, but I don’t think that households in South or Nordeast are really that much different, so you might as well stick around. Besides, there is much left to accomplish: I still need to teach you how to study for the bar exam and transfer the information into my brain while I am sleeping.

Sincerely,

Ugly Juice