At 3-0, The Wiz Takes Commanding Lead in Ongoing Soccer Match

The Wiz has a secret. She wants to join the Olympics.

A few weeks ago, in the middle of the night, I kept hearing kind of a weird sound, like something heavy rolling around in the living room. I couldn't figure out what it was, so finally I got up and walked out to the hall, and there was The Wiz, looking up at me, her front paw poised over a round red potato. Huh. I put the potato back in its bowl on top of the counter and went back to bed. A few hours later, the sound came again. I got up and found her batting the potato around the dining room.

Though I am sensitive to The Wiz's desire to continue her training as a world-class soccer player despite her domestic captivity, I had to stop leaving round fruits and vegetables out on the counter, because that is an annoying sound to wake up to in the middle of the night.

I thought she got over it, until I stepped out of my bedroom two days ago to see her loitering around a round rotten apple. Now this is nothing short of mysterious. I have no idea--NO IDEA!--where the apple came from. It was one of those little red ones like you find for sale in little paper bags in the grocery stores sometimes. Almost perfectly round, but with lots of bruises and rotten spots. I haven't purchased any apples like that in months. I hadn't seen any apples lying around in the kitchen or anywhere else in the house. I have no idea where she got it. Well, I can't leave rotten apples lying around the house, so I picked it up and threw it away.

The next night, I saw her with a new apple, identical to the first. I thought it was the same one, but I could still see the first one in the garbage. WHERE IS SHE GETTING THESE THINGS??? Is she stealing my fruits and vegetables and stashing them somewhere?

The drugs, the eating disorder, it's all coming together. The Wiz aspires to be an olympic athlete! Poor baby, I had no idea. And here I thought she was just running away because she was trying to get knocked up.