Parents Underestimate Effort Involved In Maneuvering Stretch of Hallway

Most Perfect Baby In The Entire World Born to North Minneapolis Couple

Meet Dmitri! He was born January 13, 2009 at 1:53 a.m. 7 lbs, 6 oz. I am so full of joy I might burst. Click here for photos!

Fetus Seeks Early Parole

Things are starting to go off the tracks here. My doctor put me on bed rest Monday because she is concerned that I may go into preterm labor. I've been laying on the couch all week feeling like a total slug. I had hoped to whip through my stack of library books and maybe even get some work done from the office, but it turns out that laying around all day completely drains my energy. I am sleeping at least half the day. And the rest of the time, I have a hard time concentrating on anything. I hate not being able to get up and do things! But hopefully this will keep the little man incubating for a bit longer. It's insulting, actually, that he would want to leave the comfy little home I'm giving him. He doesn't know how good he has it in there, all warm and snuggly, eating all the eclairs he wants. He's 32 weeks old today. Here's hoping that he sticks around another two months, and here's hoping I get to move around before then...

Pregnant Lady Assaults Woman Behind Bakery Counter

I have not been feeling awesome. The shingles seem to be gone--at least, the pain is gone, and the blisters are mostly gone. There are still some bumps. But my immune system is still really low, I've been exhausted, I'm fighting off viruses, my feet and legs are swollen, my back hurts, I have heartburn, and I can't sleep even though I'm incredibly fatigued. I don't mean to whine (though I will accept your pity if you'd like to offer it) -- I am merely illustrating my state of being yesterday, when the unspeakable occurred.

Having picked up some sort of virus over the weekend, I stayed home Monday and spent the day in bed. Around noon, baby began demanding an eclair. Shad was not available to deliver an eclair until after work, and I couldn't wait that long. So, as any devoted mother would do, I dragged my feverish self out of bed, bundled up, and drove down to the Wedge.

The Wedge bakery did not have eclairs.

No. Eclairs.

I stood at the counter looking like someone who'd just had her puppy run over. The lady asked if I'd like something else. Was she insane? NO, I DO NOT WANT SOMETHING ELSE SMUG HIPPIE LADY. ("I'm sorry your favorite puppy died, here, I bought you a new one.") I asked the lady to go look in the back. She looked in the back. There were no eclairs hidden on a secret shelf in the kitchen (if you can believe her). I asked if they were ever going to have eclairs ever again? Did they stop production? Were there not enough pregnant women in the city?! DO THEY UNDERSTAND THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THEIR FLIP DECISION NOT TO MAKE ECLAIRS TODAY?!?! She said she didn't think they had stopped making eclairs. You don't THINK so? GIVE ME SOME FACTS, LADY! Well, we had eclairs yesterday, she said. I felt my unborn child crying in my womb. I bought him a german chocolate cupcake, but he was not satisfied.

Is there another bakery in the city that makes eclairs? I cannot have this happen again. The only other places I've checked are Lunds and Wuollet, but they do not make them.

Minneapolis Woman Considers Relative Merits of Neck Amputation

Pardon me for a moment, but I must whine. Shingles SUCKS. I am miserable. I'm sooooo itchy, and pain is shooting up and down my nerve pathways. My head hurts. My neck aches. I feel like I'm on fire. I can't concentrate. But if I take the Vicadin, as I did yesterday, then I get completely floaty and useless. I feel so sorry for old people who get this all the time. At least with my age, it is expected to go away in a few weeks. On a more practical note, I do not own enough turtlenecks to endure this disease.

Update: I realize it's melodramatic, but I must go into further description. Imagine you have hundreds of little rodents under your skin and they are trying to claw their way out. Plus the outside of your skin is on fire. And then someone is jabbing you in the neck with the freshly sharpened tines of a fork. The tines go under your skin and twist a little bit. Maybe they are barbed or something. And, just for good measure, a constant stream of lemon juice is rolling over those open wounds. Am I shamelessly begging for pity? Maybe. Not that it would help. Maybe I will go sit in the road and wait for a bus to hit me.

Unborn Child Enrolls in Tae Kwon Do Class

Now that I can feel my little dude move, I am getting an idea of his habits. He is often active in the evenings. Tonight he is kicking the sh*t out of me. He's probably going to be a total night owl like his pop. I am doomed. It's so exciting to feel him move, and better still is when Shad can feel him, too. According to the Mayo web site, he weighs about a pound and a half now.

I've been hit with an onslought of wacky possibly preggy symptoms this past week. The lymph nodes in my neck are all swollen and the left side of my neck is stiff and covered in a rash. The rash has been here since last Thurs, and is not reacting at all to the cortizone I've been slathering on it. I went to the minute clinic and the lady shooed me away. (Actually, she said, "Hm. I have no idea what that rash is. I wonder if you have mono." And then said they had to be careful with pregnant ladies and gave me the boot. AWESOME.) I'm no MD, and I've never had mono, but I doubt that diagnosis. So, I'm back to the doctor tomorrow. Can I just be healthy for one minute??? On top of feeling like a total freak, and after a couple weeks of being able to stay awake until *gasp!* 11 p.m., I'm back to being exhausted again. I pretty much just go to work and go to bed, go to work and go to bed. I hate the fatigue soooo much. Books are going unread. Plants are not being watered. Clothes are not being sewn. Nurseries are not being planned. Needless to say, the fairies, particularly the dish-washing fairy, have once again abandoned the household in this time of crisis.

Anyway. I'm not sure what the schedule is in there, but here's hoping that after the 10 p.m. Tae Kwon Do class, little dude enjoys a long peaceful spell of meditative yoga. Or reads some poetry. Or better yet, goes to sleep.

Update: The doctor diagnosed me with shingles. What am I, 80? I'm sure I have never felt more attractive in my whole life.

PUNY Creates Best Web Site of All Time

Kids! Parents! Check it out and tell everyone you know! The world will never be the same!

Yo Gabba Gabba!