Chichi Beverage Company Manages to Replicate Sensation of Tossing Cough Syrup Down Gullet

I am addicted to the grilled vegetable sandwich, on focaccia, with Chipotle aioli, at the Macy's deli. I have eaten it for dinner three times this week. But that is neither here nor there. The topic of today's story is airforce(R) NUTRISODA(R) Functional Beverages. The 8.4 oz beverage cans, which sell for $2.50 a can over at Macy's, claim to be packed with functional vitamins to help you Renew, Focus, Calm, or otherwise achieve some ideal state of being. I admit to getting sucked into the scheme on occasion, and have been known to pick up a can of Focus on nights that I am working late, or Radiant on days when my adult acne attacks. In all I have probably guzzled 15-20 cans of the beverage in my lifetime.

Here I must interrupt myself to tell a sub-story. My second year of law school I was in the family law clinic, and our professor invited this woman to come in to speak with us about relaxation techniques. The woman owns a couple of spas in town and has developed some lines of health and beauty products which she shamelessly shilled to us over the course of her presentation. Then she started talking about how awesome those damn Nutrisodas(R) are. She had been presenting herself as a sublimely calm person at peace in mind and body and we should be so lucky that she is sharing her secrets with us. Then she tells us she drinks four (FOUR!) cans of Calm every morning. I thought Summ and I were going to explode from a suppressed giggling fit.

Oh, God. I'm boring myself. My only point is that I bought a can of Renew this afternoon and it tastes exactly like cough syrup. It even manages to taste thick. Gross. I hate it.

In other news, I went on a double date last night with Shad and Amy. We each drank three martinis over the course of an hour at Rossi's, then stumbled into the State Theater just before the curtain came up on Avenue Q. The show was fun and silly and worth seeing. After the show, I decided to show Shad and Amy my office. They walked in and instantly--"No. No no no no no."--began lecturing me about the bad feng shui and started moving my furniture around. Apparently my set-up is not visitor-friendly (Newsflash! I get about one visitor a month!) and it is creepy that I choose to sit with my back to the door. We raided the offices of employees who have recently left the firm but that yielded nothing that would truly improve the space. I don't think it's so bad, but I've been ordered to bring in a big hanging plant, make some pillows, and procure some more art. Pillows. Yes. That is just what I need to succeed at this firm.