Minneapolis Woman Takes Initial Steps Toward Becoming Less Pathetic Person

Last night as we were standing outside the Fine Line waiting to get into the Jolie Holland show I was inspired to add another item to my list of new year's resolutions. I had just finished showing the bouncer my id and was holding out my arm so that he could put a wrist-band on it. He shook his head and said, "right arm." A more intuitive and intelligent person would have simply extended the other arm immediately thus avoiding the embarassment of reminding her spouse once again that she does not know the difference between left and right. Instead, I pulled my other hand out of my pocket, pocketed the wallet that I had been holding in my outsretched hand, held both hands in front of me, extended my thumbs and index fingers to see which hand creates an "L," then extended the opposite arm, having determined that it was the right arm. The whole process is not so complicated as I just made it sound, I do it discreetly several times a day, but for some reason, last night--perhaps because I had to take the extra step of pocketing my wallet--it seemed to take extra long and I felt especially pathetic. Shad just smiled, shook his head, and gave me a pitying kiss on the cheek. He claims that among the advanced members of the human species, knowledge of left and right is as fundamental as knowing "up" from "down." This is truly astonishing to me. How is it possible that I have not ever learned this? Ever? How did everyone else learn it?

So, I am going to learn my left and right this year. I feel a bit apprehensive about embarking on this endeavor because I'm wary of adding yet another constant fact to the already large list of constant facts that I have to carry around in my brain. As I see it, there are things that you just know (constant facts) and there are things that you know how to figure out when necessary (the left hand makes an "L" if you extend the thumb and index finger). Certainly, it's efficient to carry around a number of constant facts because it saves the energy involved in figuring them out: "This way is forward. That way is backwards. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a law student." (c.f. "Who is this man that has been hanging around with me for eight and a half years? I have a ring on my finger. He has a ring in a drawer somewhere. He must be my spouse. I must be a wife.") But sometimes it just makes sense to figure things out as you need to know them: "What is that sound? It appears that the neighbors have carried all of their living room furniture and their tv into the backyard. They have controllers in their hands. That sound must be the video game they are apparently playing."

I realize of course that the directions of left and right are constant facts and it would make sense to just learn them and file them away in my mental rolodex of facts. Plus it will prevent potentially embarassing situations: "So you see, my client could not have been the killer, because the victim died of a stab wound by a right-handed individual, and as you now see, my client is...hold on a second...right handed. Crap." But is there a limit to the number of constant facts that we are able to carry around? I don't really want to clutter my brain with all of them.

Anyway, I'm basically blathering on here. I just want to ask you to help me out by testing me occasionally when you see me and stuff like that. And if you have any tips for me, please let me know.

In other news, Shad and I have been giggling about the Worth1000 apple photoshopping contest.