Minneapolis Woman's Life is Hijacked by Irresponsible Scatterbrained Bonehead

In the last couple of days I seem to have lost all ability to keep my shit together. The drama of the moment is that I cannot find my passport. I always keep it in a folder in the file cabinet but it has inexplicably disappeared. I am searching everywhere. I am not panicking yet, but I'm pretty close to it. I don't know where else to look. I know that the U.S. has temporarily relaxed its travel requirements to Mexico, so I guess I will stay up all night ripping my house apart and head down to the passport center tomorrow if I still have not found it. According to the state department web site, you can travel without a passport as long as you have proof that your passport application is being processed. Usually it takes about a week to get that proof, though. Does anyone have experience with this? Criminy, I want the old Anna back, the one who was fairly responsible and organized.

My life was first highjacked by this new, can't-keep-her-shit-together Anna on Tuesday morning, when I went to register for the bar exam....

The Worst Five Minutes of My Life

By Ugly Juice

Tuesday--day 1 of the exam. We were told we HAD TO have our laptops set up and ready to go in the exam room by 8:15 a.m., otherwise we would not be able to use them. So, I show up at 7:30 a.m., when registration begins, and find myself at the back of this huge throng of people.

It takes a half hour to get up to the front of the line, where I am finally able to register. I walk up to the registration table and reach into my purse for my wallet. No wallet. I smile at the nice lady and continue searching through my bag. Nope. My wallet is definitely not in there. Begin inner dialogue: This is so weird. WTF? I know I had my wallet when I got into the ramp. I never lose my wallet. I never never never lose my wallet. Why did I get this new purse? It's too big, too many pockets. It's got to be in here, it's got to be in here, it's got to be in here... Nope. It is definitely not in there. The nice lady patiently waits as I dig through my purse, and it is clear that she is not going to hand over my registration badge unless I produce an ID. "I left my wallet in my car," I say. "I'll be right back." It is 8:08, and I fight my way backwards through the crush of people. My car is in the huge parking ramp across the street, so it is not going to be the speediest little wallet-fetching errand ever and it seems inevitable that I will miss that 8:15 computer set-up deadline. Resume inner monologue: Stay calm. It's in the car. You probably just put it in the center console after you paid for parking. Don't run, that will just make you panic. There are your friends, smile and wave, pretend everything is fine. Good girl. See, nothing is wrong. Do not panic do not panic do not panic. So, maybe you won't have time to set up your laptop. That's fine, you'll write your exam by hand just like they did in the olden days. Be cool be cool be cool...Okay, maybe it is okay to jog a little bit...yeah, go ahead and run. Okay, run. RUN!

I run to the passenger side of the Subaru and glance inside. No wallet. I jerk open the door and look on the seats, the floor, the center console. NOTHING. Suddenly I am taking difficult, sharp, shallow breaths. My heart pounds. I look under the seats, the backseat. I dump out every bag in the car and frantically sift through their contents. I am tearing through everything in the car (which, incidentally, was recently cleaned--mostly). Resume inner monologue: This is not happening. Is this happening? Is this REALLY happening? This is not my life. This does not happen to Anna P. I am responsible. I am organized. I don't lose my wallet. My purse was not zipped, is it possible someone stole it? Did someone find it and turn it in? [Breathing becomes even more difficult, I feel like I might actually throw up.] I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THE BAR EXAM! HOLY SHIT, I AM NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THE BAR EXAM. Okay, don't panic. Don't panic. Shhhhh... Stay calm. You'll figure this out. FIGURE WHAT OUT, CALM INNER VOICE? YOU ARE SO NAIVE!!!! MAYBE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE BUT OUR F***ING ID IS MISSING AND WE ARE GOING TO BE WATCHING HARRY POTTER THIS AFTERNOON WHILE ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ARE TAKING THE BAR EXAM AND WE ARE GOING TO LOSE OUR JOB AND WILL HAVE TO WAIT TABLES FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS UNTIL WE ARE ABLE TO TAKE THE FEBRUARY BAR EXAM AND Shhhhhhh... don't panic. For Christ's sake, you are just freaking yourself out. Do not panic. Be calm. Just figure out how to fix this.

I survey the wreckage that is my Subaru. Since I've dumped all my bags, crap is everywhere, but there is no wallet anywhere. There is nothing that could substitute for an ID. Maybe Shad could race down here with my passport if I actually knew where my passport was. I close my eyes, attempt to control my breath, and try not to puke. Suddenly, Calm Inner Voice returns: Hey, maybe it's on the floor of the ramp somewhere? I immediately hit the floor and press my head to the ground to survey the whole expanse of the ramp and there--LAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!--on the floor of the parking ramp, near the driver's side of the car, is my wallet. Oh. My. God.

I grabbed it, raced back, and was able to register and get my computer set up by 8:22. Turns out they were not as hard-nosed about the 8:15 set-up as they initially purported to be. In the half hour before the exam I was able to control my racing heart and resume a normal breathing pattern. After that fiasco, the day proceeded splendidly.

The End

You know how sometimes, when something scary happens, the full weight of it doesn't hit you until you start to reflect on it later? Now, just thinking about the ordeal makes me feel like puking. I can't even believe that happened. When I was driving home after the exam, my body just turned cold, and I bit off all my fingernails for the first time in three months. I was just overcome with the weight of how incredibly awful things could have been. Yeach.

So, the official report on the bar exam is that it really wasn't that bad. The first part of the exam is called the MPT--they give you a case file and a "library," and you have an hour and a half to complete an assignment (say, writing a closing argument, drafting a will, etc.). The assignment was to write a memo analyzing the personal liability of of one member of an LLC for a tort committed by another member. There were two issues to address--liability and the nature of the tort. I could not have asked for a better question since this is the sort of thing I did every day at my job last year. None of the essays were particularly tricky: Property (Adverse Possession), Con Law (Establishment Clause, First Amendment stuff), Crim Law, Evidence, Wills, and Torts. I felt great after day one. Day two was the MBE, 200 multiple choice questions, and it suuuuucked. Everyone was feeling crummy about it, though, so that made me feel a little bit better. The questions were really tricky and maddening--often there are two good answers and you have to pick the one that is more right than the other one. I have such a hard time with multiple choice. I think the thing that freaks me out the most is that I know it is actually possible to get zero points on a multiple choice test. At least on the essays, they might give you one point for writing something legible on the paper.

We sat at tables of eight for the exam. Since 88% of people pass, the first thing to do is look down the row and pick out the one who is going to fail. There was a dude two seats down from me who looked like kind of a blockhead. So hopefully he was the dunce in our row, and not me. Me, I am just scatterbrained and irresponsible.