Having Given Up War on Crime, Minneapolis Turns Attention to More Important Issues
The City of Minneapolis has finally decided to devote resources to the most pressing issues facing the municipality.
Now, some of you may not truly understand the underlying problems that threaten to destroy the very foundations on which this great city was built. In your simplicity, you might think that our quality of life could be improved by devoting resources to such useless endeavors as fighting crime, combating homelessness, or funding schools, children's health care or public libraries.
Silly you. Obviously, you do not understand the subtle yet sinister issues that are slowly but steadily working to undermine this great city.
I'm talking about buckets, people. Pails. Specifically, five-gallon pails. Finally, Minneapolis has responded to this critical issue by dispatching teams of inspectors to tirelessly patrol the streets in search of this ubiquitous nuisance. They are determined to track down every last instance of bucket use with the goal of eradicating buckets from the city altogether.
Thank God.
Mothers, you can sleep well tonight.
From now on, citizens of Minneapolis will have to keep their bucket use private, just as they should have been all along. Thanks to the city's dedication to eliminating all public bucket use, unscrupulous individuals who would flash their buckets in the wide open air will be duly reprimanded, cited, and charged a fee to have the buckets returned to their garden sheds.
No. That's not a joke. I couldn't even make this up. We received two nuisance letters from the City of Minneapolis. This one requested that we pick up "pails" as well as other materials that happen to be in the yard because we are working on some landscaping projects. The second letter demanded that we cut all grasses and weeds that are more than 8" high.
The letters indicate that I have one week to abate these issues. Are these people serious? Now I can't work on a damn landscaping project? I can't cover my unfinished projects with tarp? I can't leave two buckets in my yard while I work on the projects???
The Offending Buckets
My favorite part is that the letters indicate that if I fail to abate the conditions within the week that they give me, they will send someone out to do it for me and send me a bill. They will actually send someone out to put the buckets in the garden shed for me.
Now, I'm not saying that my yard is in perfect condition. I'm not saying I don't have grasses or weeds that are more than eight inches tall. I do. I call them native grasses, and I rather like them. We can't mow them. Apparently the City of Minneapolis prefers that I get a weed-wacker to get rid of those native species and replace them with some crap from Bachman's? I think what bugs me the most is that these things usually result from a neighbor complaint. Who is complaining about my yard? It looks perfect from the front. The neighbor kid mows it regularly. People are really that petty, aren't they?
I'm going to call the city tomorrow to discuss the issue. I will try very, very hard not to laugh. There are crack houses down the street, and they are giving me a citation for my damn buckets. Buckets. Really! Buckets!!!! I just really don't even know how to respond to that.
posted by Ugly Juice @ 7:18 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
actually, i get on mike's case about buckets. while they are so handy, left out in the yard they actually pose a public health problem as they can serve as breeding grounds for mosquitoes. in fact, the first outbreak of west nile virus in new york city several years ago was traced back to some buckets in the backyard of patient zero where the homeowner was unknowingly breeding mosquitoes. i'm shitting you negative. it's just a little something i learned in school.
also, today in the newspaper is an article about mpls city inspectors pickiness. the articles states that unkempt yards are related to crime.
Here's a link to the article Emily mentions, as well as a discussion about it on MNSpeak.
Ummmm...
?????????
I sure hope they don't come south and start looking at my house. Between the pile of rocks, the unmowed grass, the weedy gardens, and the crap-tastic driveway, the inspector would be writing citations at my house all day.
It's interesting to learn that five gallon buckets are the root of all crime in North Minneapolis though. Learn something new every day.
North Minneapolis, crime, and buckets. This morning around 3am a group of people where shouting and pushing each other around on our front lawn. After about 20 minutes of listening to the death match outside our door, I called 911. The dispatcher told me that the police had already dealt with the situation and to please "try and get some sleep." I instisted that it was not taken care of and in fact, seemed to be escalating. Again, "try and get some sleep." Before I went back to bed, I looked outside to see if anyone was flashing around a weapon. While I'm pretty sure there were no guns present, I'm absolutely sure there were no buckets. There might be something to this... You see, this morning, I went out on the lawn looking for bodies. There weren't any. No buckets = No bodies. Juice, get rid of your damn buckets and all of us in the 'hood can just rest a bit easier.
Minneapolis Councilman Don Samuels says, "If you allow the little violations of social decorum to continue and pervade, eventually you reach a point where it becomes a signal for tolerance of misbehavior."
HEADLINE:
UGLY JUICE: CRIME ROYALTY ON QUEEN STREET
You just have buckets of anti-social tendencies, don't you?
"If you allow the little violations of social decorum to continue and pervade, eventually you reach a point where it becomes a signal for tolerance of misbehavior."
Or a signal for people working their asses off and trying to beautify their yard on the weekends?
Notable signals for tolerance of misbehavior in North Minneapolis:
Drug dealers on the corner.
911 calls where no one shows up...ever.
Buckets.
We also got a citation for the tarps that are covering up the piles of dirt for the huge landscaping project we've been working on. (we're extending the yard) They issued the letter two days after we started the job.
I think you should embrace your new trouble maker status in the neighborhood. Park the Kia on the front lawn (without any tires), throw in a few rusted bicycles, scatter some tin cans and plastic grocery bags, re-hang the dried Christmas wreath and hang a tire swing (which might be fun).
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