Ugly Juice Accepting Applications for Apprentice

This is the perfect career opportunity for the aspiring law student! This unpaid internship will allow you to gain first-hand experience in the many intricate details of attaining a law degree.

Ugly Juice is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate based on age, race, gender, or legal authorization to work in the United States.

Job duties include, but are not limited to: filling out and mailing paperwork for student loans, health insurance reimbursements, rebates, and other miscellaneous contracts and applications; ironing and picking cat hair off clothing particularly business suits; polishing shoes; plucking eyebrows; packing nutritious gourmet lunches and dinners for take-out; delivering coffee to law school library at appointed times; watering flowers; making beds; filling car with gas; warming car up in morning; checking car after I park it to make sure I didn't leave the lights on; running to school to pick up and deliver WestLaw printouts to patio office; rubbing my tummy (it just feels nice, OK?); driving me home from the library late at night; washing my hair; mailing birthday and holiday cards to friends and relatives in timely manner; checking email and voicemail messages; mowing lawn; paying bills; grocery shopping; foot rubs; drawing warm bubbly baths; throwing towels in the dryer and having them ready all fluffy and warm when I get out of the bath or shower; putting new mp3s on iTunes; 3-hole punching and stapling papers and other miscellaneous projects; researching publications of professors to discover hidden interests and possible essay questions; mailing Netflix; returning books to library and dealing with library goon-squad when they come to collect late fees; feeding cats; changing kitty litter; sorting and taking out recycling; charging phone battery; and painting toenails. (Not yours, silly. Mine.) Occasional cite-checking, editing, and proofreading.

Of course, you will not receive actual monetary compensation for this work, because you are PAYING YOUR DUES. This is an essential part of your career path if you ever hope to be a fancy lawyer in a big firm or judicial clerk. Plus, if you do a good job, maybe I will hire you as a clerk in the future and pay you some pittance that you will be ever so grateful to receive.

Please submit resume directly to Ugly Juice.